New Video

Here are some new jokes. One about Bush's pardons. The other is about the Obama Commemorative Plates. 

Jersey City

Seriously, the NFL Playoff games are going to be only in Spanish in Jersey City? For real, Jersey City? What the hell is going on? If someone understands this, please let me know.

They Have Outdone Themselves

If you haven't followed the "Barack, the Magic Negro" story, look it up, then read this.

On New Years Eve, the Fox News Ticker read: "HAPPY NEW YEAR AND LET'S HOPE THE MAGIC NEGRO DOES A GOOD JOB. LOVE JEN AND JOHN C."

Someone texted that in, and they broadcasted it. Really? How could they think that's okay? Every time I've heard a Republican defend the song, they say the same thing: "It's not offensive... It's pro-Obama... It actually praises him... Look, it's satire... Have you listened to the words? I LOVE black people." Yes, I have listened to the words. They call the president a "Magic Negro." They may as well call him a "Slave Wizard." How did some Republicans forget that you don't call people negroes? And why did they think that if you specify that the negro is "magic," then it's a compliment. 

Conversations I want to have:

Are you racist or something? "No, my best friend is a negro. He's magic." Nope. Nothing wrong with that.

Why would you ridicule black people like that? "I'm not ridiculing black people. It's actually a compliment. I'm a huge fan of illusions. Card tricks, false security, negro-tricks, lies to justify wars, any kind of illusion..."

Would it be okay to call John McCain, "McCain the Cracker Midget"? "Um, no. John McCain was a P.O.W. A maverick as well." Would you say he's magic? "Well, he's no negro."

What about Obama is magic? "What, you don't like magic? You don't even like Harry Potter? Now THAT's racist."

Did you know that negro is what black people were called when they didn't have any rights? "Yeah, but at the time, they hadn't yet unlocked their magic potential. It's apples and oranges."

Is Obama more of a card-trick or prop-act? "He's just a no-good, socialist negro." What? "I mean card-tricks. Sleight of hand, prestidigitation, and all that business." 

Video of incident.

 

NFL Predictions

It's pointless, but I want to let the world know that I predicted the Lions would finish 0-16 after Week 5. I also predicted that Dallas would win the Super Bowl.

You Are Sasha Farce

-My roommate just told me to check out the new Beyonce single. It's called Diva, and it's worse than the new Kanye West singles. It's worse than Souljah Boy and Project Pat combined. Listen to a little of this:

It sounds like 1) People are gargling in the background, or 2) They recorded in a room full of monkeys. What is that background sound? There's no discernable melody. Who is buying this?

On top of it just sucking, it's a double disc album. The whole album is 16 tracks, and around 60 minutes, but they put it on two discs to drive up the price. She's a-a-a-a dickface. 

-More hate for New York City...

The most annoying thing about NYC is the arrogance of New Yorkers. Most people in the city are cool. But there's about 20% who think that because they live in NYC, they are better than everyone else. It's not just that they give this impression. They will actually say it to your face.

I hadn't been in the city for two months. I went home yesterday. Last night, I was at a holiday party at a comedy club in the city. All of the comics there were cool. All of the industry people there were cool. But there were some random people there who were invited for reasons that I don't know. Most of them were cool too. But one girl was probably the biggest douche I've met in my life. I'll keep everyone nameless, so let's say I was hanging out with someone named Bob, when we were approached by a girl with whom Bob was acquanted.

Douche: Hey Bob.

Bob: Hey Douche. This is Ryan Conner.

Ryan: Nice to meet you, Douche.

Douche: Yeah.

Beat.

Douche: This is the seventh day in a row that I've either drank or smoked pot.

I didn't know what to say to that. I thought only 18-year-olds bragged about that.

Ryan: Cool. That's productive.

Douche: Whatever. What's your problem? I'm not trying to impress you. 

Ryan: What?

Douche: Why are you talking shit?

Ryan: What are you talking about? I said "That's productive."

Douche: Oh, I thought you said, "That's attractive." I'm not trying to impress you.

Ryan: Why would I have said that? Why would anyone say that?

Douche: I don't know.

No apology.

Douche: So, you and Bob started together in DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: Are you from DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: I mean FROM DC?

Ryan: I lived in southern VA until I was 11, then moved to the DC area.

Douche: The DC AREA? Area? So, you aren't from DC?

Ryan: The DC suburbs.

Douche: I hate it when people say they're from a place that they aren't from. You're probably from Maryland.

Ryan: Virginia, actually.

Douche: Then why didn't you say that?

Ryan: If I said I was from Virginia, you would ask what part. I would tell you. Then you would say, "Why didn't you just say you're from DC?"

Douche: Well maybe, but at least I know my states. You're from VA and you tell people you're from DC.

I stared at her, flabbergasted. Bob was on my side. He tried to jump in, but she wouldn't allow it.

Ryan: There are 5-6 million people in metropolitan DC, and only about 400,000 live in DC

Douche: Well, I know someone who lived IN DC. 

Ryan: Sounds good.

Douche: How long have you lived in New York?

Ryan: Two years.

Douche: Where do you live?

Here we go again.

Ryan: Jersey City Heights, on the edge of Hoboken.

Douche: Um, excuse me, but that's not New York. That's New Jersey. That's not even the same state. 

Bob: It's the same distance to Manhattan as it is from Brooklyn and Queens.

Douche: That doesn't matter. It's a different state. Don't tell people you live in New York.

Ryan: What's wrong with you?

Douche: Look, I've lived on the Upper West Side for my entire life. I'm a New Yorker. And I hate when people say they live in New York and they don't.

Ryan: I have to go. It was great meeting you. I'll see you soon. Take care.

BIGGEST DOUCHE EVER.

Then I walked to my car. It had been towed. I thought I was parked legally. I paid the meter. Turns out the meter was only for commercial vehicles, however the sign looks like it's parking for meters or commercial vehicles. Anyway, things worked out. I got to pay $300 ($185 for the tow, and $115 for the ticket) to have my car moved to a convenient location 11 blocks away ($27 per block), which allowed me the opportunity to have a cab driver who not only didn't speak English, but also didn't understand the number 38. He tried to take me to 30th Street, then 41st, then 40th. Finally, I got out at 40th, figuring it was as close as I was going to get. This story has no ending.

Eddie Murphy Doing Stand-Up Again

Check this out. He did a few minutes at the Comedy Store last night.

Dickfor of the Week: Congress

-Congress just gave themselves a $4,700 raise. It's an annual cost-of-living adjustment. The problem, of course, is normal wages have decreased for everyone else for the past seven years, regardless of cost-of-living. Their pay should go up and down proportionally with the national wage:cost ratio. It's not like other people can vote for a raise. And they were already making $169K. 

-Please let me know if you have met one of the following:

An atheist NASCAR fan.

A vegan Republican.

-I said something at the same time someone else said the same thing. Normally when this happens, the people involved move on. Occasionally, one person will say "Jinx." That's acceptable, but not encouraged. Someone recently said "Twinsburg" to me. I couldn't go along with that. I asked,  "What did you say?" "Oh, 'Twinsburg.' It's just a joke." No, Twinsburg is not a joke. It's a personality flaw. If you say that to people, please stop.

-After a college show, Sean Gabbert and I were hanging out with the Student Activities people from the school,. One of the girls was from Algeria, and awful at being a person. Examples of doucheness:

-"I'm from Algeria. Yeah, that's NORTHERN Africa. I AM NOT from southern Africa." That's the equivalent of saying, "Thank God I'm no black."

-She randomly said, "I love Jewish people," like she was trying to make up for something.  That's a pretty blanket statement. Then she said something about how great "Jewish food" is. Sean said that he thinks it's bland, and asked "Are you sure you're eating Jewish food, or Algerian food that's cooked by Jews?" It was Algerian food. How did she not realize this? I said, "The restaurant above the Comedy Cellar is Israeli, and the food is awesome. Then again, it might be Palestinian food that was adopted by Israelis," which is just a guess, because it's not traditional Jewish food. Then douche said, "You're right, because Israel doesn't exist. They are occupiers." That's how you make a dinner very awkward.

-Her:"I'm sorry, but hunting is just wrong. It shouldn't be legal."

Me: "You're eating chicken. Right now, you are chewing on chicken. It's in your mouth."

Her: "Yeah, but I didn't kill it."

Me: "Someone did."

Her: "So?"

No more than five seconds later...

Her: "One time I was at a sheep sacrifice and they kill it by..."

Me: "Hold on. You're anti-hunting, and pro-sacrifice? That's not hypocritical to you?"

Her: "Um, no. It was for religious purposes."

Sean: "Oh, then that's different." He was being sarcastic.

Her: Exactly.

-Sean and I were hanging out with other people after another show. Very PC, uptight-white people. I was talking about Extras (Ricky Gervais) with a guy. We both liked the show a lot. He said, "I really like the episode where the woman is dating the... the... the..." I knew he was talking about when she was dating a black guy. The episode was about white people being too racially sensitive and trying too hard to not sound racist. But he missed that theme, I guess. He wouldn't say black. And I wasn't going to help him. Finally, he figured out how he would describe the guy. He went for "The British African-American guy." British, African, American. All three. Covering all the bases. Even though the show takes place in England, and there's no reason to even think that the guy as been to the United States. Douche face.

Even better... One of the people said that the place we were at had great food. What kind? "Asian-Latin fusion." You should know that most of the clientele at "fusion" places are douches. I responded, "That's a weird fusion - Asian and Hispanic." People started to get uncomfortable. Then I clarified. "I have never seen an Asian person dating an Hispanic person, ever. I haven't seen it." People were very uncomfortable. But it's true. No one has ever seen it. Then Sean put the icing on the awkward cake by saying, "Even if I thought I saw an Asian-Hispanic couple, one of them was probably Filipino."

Your mission: Find me an Asian-Hispanic couple, an atheist NASCAR fan, and a vegan Republican.

DC Improv this week

I'll be featuring at the DC Improv tonight through Sunday. Come out, if you can. Ticket info is at dcimprov.com. My friend, Seaton Smith, is hosting. He's hilarious. That's an incentive.

Wegmans is a Grocery Store

-Before the comedy, let's touch on the President Bush farewell party. Two major issues that make him front runner in the Dick of the Century sweepstakes.

Watch this video:

He acknowledges, finally, that Al Qaeda had nothing to do with Iraq until after we invaded. And his response was "So what?" So what? Is he fucking serious? We've lost over 4200 Americans, and had enough casualties to populate a small city, and he responds "So what?" He's acknowledging that the war was needless, and he brushes it off. I can't believe this. I've had over 10 friends serve there. One friend from high school was killed. All of the others lost many of their brothers and sisters there. And his response, in accidentally acknowledging that the war was unjust, was "So what?" I hope that no parents, spouses or family members of fallen soldiers see this.

On top of the American casualties, over 140,000 Iraqis have been killed. Their infrastructure has been destroyed. Meanwhile at home, the war has doubled the national debt. But hey, so what?

- Also, the Senate Armed Forces Committee has put out a report, known as the Levin-McCain Report, on American torture. The committee has 11 Democratic members, and 10 Republican members. No one dissented in the report's conclusion that the mandate for torture came from the top of the Bush administration, meaning Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. So what?

The Washington Post's Dan Froomkin writes about it here.

Andrew Sullivan, of The Atlantic, has been writing about it constantly on his blog.

The actual report is located here.

- I'm not going to look up the videos, because I refuse to put any energy into Kanye West, but there are a couple funny ones out there. One is him performing on Conan a few weeks ago. He attempts to sing, and it hurts the ears. Pretty funny. The other video is an interview in which his ego is revealed. My roommate can't stand the guy because of his ego. Until this, I didn't understand how big his ego is. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If the Bible was re-written today I would definitely be in it. Think about it. The Bible was about Jesus and about 20 friends and important people. Are you telling me that I'm not one of the 20 most important people in the world?" Yes, Kanye, that's what I'm telling you. I do applaud the size of his balls in making this statement. It sounds like something I would say in Crucial Element. Note: At the Poonanza on Saturday, I also got down on one knee, doing hip thrusts, and put the mic up to my crotch, after saying, "Listen up, you can hear the ocean." So, Crucial Element isn't exactly good company if you want to be taken seriously.  Kanye West... what a dick. 

-And now, a funny story...

I was at my parents' house last week, when my mom asked me to go to the grocery store for her. My brother, Joaquim, 16, wanted to go with me to drop off a job application. On our way to the store, I told Joaquim to ask to speak to a manager, introduce himself, etc... Instead, we got there, he walked over to Customer Service, handed someone his application and said, "Here's this." Solid.

Then we made our way up the aisles to find German Chocolate for my mom. As we passed deodorant, I remembered that I was about to run out. As I was picking out my deodorant, Joaquim noticed something on the opposite shelves.

Joaquim: Yo, Ryan. What the heck? They have... aww man. Just out in the open? I can't believe this mess...

I turned around. He was looking at condoms.

Joaquim: Why would they have this stuff just out on shelves? People could steal them, and put the boxes back. Then people want to buy condoms and they end up with an empty box.

I continued to ignore him. By the way, he was talking loud enough for anyone within 25 feet to hear.

Joaquim: Oh, snap! They have vibrators too!

I was still ignoring him, because he isn't supposed to acknowledge to me that he knows what a vibrator is. Then he raised his voice.

Joaquim: Ryan, check this out! Why do they have vibrators in the grocery store?

I couldn't let him keep talking about vibrators, so I turned around, knowing that they don't sell vibrators at Wegman's. Why? Because Wegman's is a grocery story. I walked over to see what he was looking at. It was KY His/Hers lube, not vibrators.

Me: That's not what that is.

Joaquim: Then what is it?

Me: I'm not going to tell you. But that's not what it is.

He looked at the package more closely.

Joaquim: Oh, it's lube. It's just lube. I thought they were vibrators. Dang, they have all kinds of lube here. Look at this! Ryan, look at this.

Me: I'm not looking at lube with you.

Joaquim: What the heck... What is this? Oh, I thought it was face lotion.

That was the line that killed me. "Oh, I thought it was face lotion." How funny would it be if he was going to school with KY on his face? I told my cousin, Antoine about this. He suggested that I should have just left him. I never thought about the fact that I could have. Because Joaquim is black and I'm white, people wouldn't assume that he's my little brother. This begs the question: Which is more awkward, a hetero guy looking at lube with another guy, while onlookers assume something else, or looking at lube with your brother? I'm going to say looking at lube with your brother is about 25x more awkward.

When we got home, I assumed this was over. But we entered the kitchen. Joaquim and my mom were on one side. I was on the other, at the table, putting down a bag of macaroons, when Joaquim decided to talk. Keep in mind that my entire "sex talk" was, "Um... you're carrying a loaded weapon. Um... watch where you point it... And, um... keep the safety on."

Joaquim: Mom, you are not going to believe what they have at the grocery store. They have Trojans, Magnums, Dura-somethings... all kinds of condoms...

Mom: Why are you telling me this?

I was frozen, staring at macaroons.

Joaquim: Because. I couldn't believe it...

Then he went on a tirade about how people could steal them. I was hoping the conversation would be diverted to thievery, until Joaquim got back on task.

Joaquim: And they had vibrators! Who would want some mess like that?

Mom: I wish you would stop telling me this.

Joaquim: Actually it turned out that they weren't vibrators. It was lube.

Mom: Please stop.

I'm still staring at the macaroons, frozen.

Joaquim: They had so many kinds of lube. You had to see it to believe it.

Mom: Joaquim, I don't want you to tell me this.

Joaquim: I'm just saying that Wegman's is dirty, that's all.

I stood, staring at the macaroons for another 30 seconds, until my body unfroze and I was able to run out of the room.

here ya go

This is an old one that I started writing off-line, and never posted. I just found it. I never finished it, but what's there is funny...

-I talked to a friend last night. He started the conversation by asking, "How gay is it to spend your Saturday at a pinata-making class?" I didn't even know how to answer that.My instant reaction was, on a scale of 1-10, I guess it's probably an 8, if 10 is an all-male orgy. But after thinking about it, it's more weird than gay. More than I think, "That's gay," I think, "He must be active on Craigslist." How you find out about a pinata class? That's the baffling part. And slightly more shocking is the fact that there is a pinata-making teacher. Do you need a certification to teach a pinata class? I don't know. Where would you get such a license? Color me baffled. When you discover the class on Craigslist, do you immediately say, "I'm in!" Or is there a process that goes from, "Seriously?" to "No way!" to "What the hell is this?" to "I like candy," to "I really like candy," to "Candy is best when it falls from an animal-shaped container," to "Pinatas are so expensive in stores," to "It's about time I did something for myself for a change."

After making fun of him for a couple minutes, he defended himself by saying, "The class was free, and I'm trying to save money." This is ridiculous because it implies that there's some kind of mandate stating that he has to learn how to make pinatas, and all the other classes are muy caro. You don't have to go to free classes to save money. That's my point. YOu can stay home. You can go to a park, or museum in DC. 

-I went to a bachelor party in the Outer Banks from Thursday until Sunday. I will soon have a long blog to write about this, as I have for every a few other bachelor parties. Before I can do that, I have to decide what I should and shouldn't write. In the meantime, here is a preview of a few things that my friend, John Luoma, the bachelor, said:

"This may be a stupid question, but where is Sadam Hussein now?"

Shocked silence set in the rental van. All six of us were absolutely stunned. We asked, "Are you serious?" a few times. He insisted that he was. Someone blurted out, "He's dead!"

John got defensive, and shot back, "I know. I know he's dead."

I said, "No you didn't."

Lundy asked, "How did he die?"

John, as if he had just written a paper on the subject, but somehow forgot when he asked the question, defensively replied, "He died of a heart attack. It was like three years ago. I don't know how I forgot."

Poonanza 6: SMELL IT!

We're doing our sixth Poonanza this Saturday, December 13 at the DC Improv. If you haven't been to any of the previous shows, you should know the following:

-They have all sold out. Tickets would need to be bought ASAP.

-They have all been very funny, with each show being better than the previous one.

-This will be the third straight Poonanza to feature a performance by Crucial Element .

-I consider you to be "pretty cool." If you come to this show, you will be upgraded to "very cool."

Show info:

Buy tickets online , or by calling the DC Improv at 202.296.7008.

December 13, 8PM

Cast: Larry Poon, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Jay Hastings, Me, featuring the stand-up of Erin Conroy and David Angelo, and a couple songs by Crucial Element.

You will like this show. 

Craigslist

Al and I were bored one night last week. He started doing what any other sane person would do in the face of boredom: look through the Craigslist "Casual Encounters."

Here are some gems.

-So when can we meet, greet, n get between the sheets? - w4m - 21

Hey, I'm just an average all american girl looking for a good time. I'm a just under 5'6", golden blonde w/brown highlights, almond complected curvy cutie, all out hottie with a killer smile. I have pics and I'm sure you will like them!

Football season, and my team... the Browns... SUCK! So, I'm looking for a new team. Who do you like...? If you are a Browns fan... do NOT reply! Thank you. Hope to hear from you really really soon!

All of the XOXOXO's you can handle!

One, she's a braggart. Very vain. And two, the obvious. Look, I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're otherwise cool. NO FUCKING BROWNS FANS. NONE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? If you aren't a Browns fan, "All of the XOXOXO's you can handle!" So, if you aren't a Browns fan, and are browsing Craigslist, and are looking to exchange hugs with a random person, she's your girl. I'm not 100% certain, but I think that people who seriously scour this page aren't looking for hugs and kisses.

Oh, and what's this? Browns girl strikes again?

Traffic-stopping hot chic here, with pics! - w4m - 21

Hey, I'm just an average all american girl looking for a good time. I'm a 5' 5 and 3/4 inches, curly blonde locks, slender with an hourglass, down to earth dime piece who hates snobbyness. I have pics and I'm sure you will like them!

If you are a Browns fan... do NOT reply! Thank you. I really need mr right, to come handle his business... so if you are him what are you waiting for???

I'm not going to pass out my phone number right away, but you can go to my sites and see pics and other contact information! See you on my site soon!

Peace and Love to you Tuesday and tomorrow too!

Apparently the first post wasn't getting any responses, so she decided to regroup. She lets you know that she's a "traffic-stopper," but also lets you know that she's "average." This makes me think that she's a crossing guard, or a crazy person who stands in the streets. Either way, not a strong sell.

This post is all about precision. She also must have thought that calling herself "just under 5'6"" is a little murky, so she went with 5'5.75" Hmmm, 5'5.75"... I'm warming up to this one. And not golden blonde hair, but "curly blonde locks." Okay, the picture is getting clearer. 

She obviously wants her business to be handled, specifically by "Mr. Right," who is not a Browns fan. I'm not a Browns fan. But what's the catch? Oh, there it is. "Tuesday and tomorrow too!" It's a limited time offer. Just like the Commemorative Obama Plates, her Die will be destroyed tomorrow. Too good to be true.

New Idea for Pardons

Since presidential pardons are often controversial, I have an alternative idea. I like the idea of having a one-hour window for jail-breaks. If you can get out, you're pardoned. This will really mix things up on the streets too - keep the cops on their feet. 

Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame Voting

Vote or Die!

CNN Too

Fox News has already brought MSNBC down to their level, with the exception of a few shows. At times, it looks like CNN is on its way too.  Last night, I did a joke about flipping back and forth between Hardball and Fox News during the 5 o' clock hour, yesterday. While Hardball addressed the economy the entire time, Fox News had three subjects: Natalie Holloway (the root of "news" is "new"), an SNL sketch and a jet pack that some guy flew across a gorge. To be honest, Fox's coverage of the jet pack was fair and balanced.

CNN, this morning, on its front page listed "Kitty Goes Zoomba on a Roomba." Although the video is adorable, I would prefer to find it on YouTube. At first, I dismissed it as a one-off non-news video. Then I saw the next video in the queue: "Bobcat Stuck on a Pole."

RANK Them Comment

Scott asked about the following:

-Uncontrollable Loud Flatulence
-Habitual Rancid Breath
-Albino

and

-Freakishly into Weightlifting
-Really big forehead
-Extremely short (4'9") with really long arms (6'4" from middle finger to middle finger)

Al and I have used all but two of these, but not on my site, and not in concert with one another. Weightlifting and long arms on a short person are new to us. Very good choices.

I have to say: Albino, farter, halitosis. It's tough between a farter and halitosis, but if I'm going to have to deal with constant shit smell, I would prefer that it comes from her ass, instead of her mouth.

For the second one: Big forehead (assuming it's not a receding hairline, in which case this will always be last), monkey proportions, weightlifter. This was interesting, but not incredibly difficult. The rules of the game state that the forehead must be prominent, not covered by hair, but I still think it's the top choice. I'm really into monkeys, so that's kind of a novelty choice. Weightlifter is going to go in the same category as mustache and no vaginal opening.

Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame

I'm hanging out with my friend, Al. The last time we hung out, we came up with the RANK Them game. This time: The Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame. This is for people and things from late-1992 through 1994.

I have listed nominees in all three obvious categories. There is also space for write-ins. Please vote. The top two in each category will be inducted into the Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame on December 5.

The 2008 Induction Nominees:

Update

Al and I have been playing the game for three days now, and we're both really warming up to amputees, but still very cold on receding hairlines. Elf ears are making a strong push.

For Seriously?

What the hell is happening here? Why did anyone think this was a good setting for an interview? "How about if we do it in front of turkey's being slaughtered? That should spread the Thanksgiving spirit!"

Freestyle Translation

Thanks to Danny Rouhier for sharing this.

Better Than Parcheezy

Last night, I hung out with my friend, Al. One of our favorite pastimes is watching terrible movies. Favorites include: Boxing Helena, Roadhouse, American Ninja 1-4, Guns, Enemy Gold, The Arena and anything featuring a mercenary, cartel, spy, renegade, a Russian, or an avenger. If you check the info on a movie and any of those words come up, watch the movie.

Last night, we watched I Know Who Killed Me, the latest Lindsay Lohan movie, which won 8 Razzies. Normally we don't watch mainstream shitty movies, because they just aren't shitty enough. Snakes on a Plane is the only exception I can think of. Our regular fare is much shittier than any movie that is even eligible for a Razzie nomination. But I Know Who Killed Me surprised us. It was adequately shitty. It didn't have the non-stop laughs of Boxing Helena, and we spent 90% of the movie, actually about 100% of the movie trying to figure out what was happening. But that's a good thing. The movie featured an all-time movie first: for the first time ever in a movie, there was a strip club scene that was so awkward that we wanted it to end immediately. The strip club awkward threshold is pretty high, so this was very awkward. The most inexplicable part of the movie was that Lindsay Lohan would randomly lose digits and limbs. They would just fall off, like fast-acting leprosy. But they never said it was leprosy. Instead, Lohan asked, "Who is doing this to me?" That's not how disappearing digits works. They may have explained the cause of this, but we never caught it. 

And now, the line that made watching the move worth it. One of her fingers fell off in the dressing room of the strip club. She had blood on both hands and a little on her face. She left with a towel wrapped around her new four-fingered hand, with blood dripping out of it, not going to the hospital, because "hospitals are for rich people." Yeah, rich people, and people whose fingers are falling off. She was taking the bus home, when a guy was looking at her. Next thing we knew, she was in his apartment, sitting in a chair while he was on his bed. Here's the line, and this is the entire scene.

Lohan: Aren't you going to ask what happened to me?

Guy: People get cut. That's life.

And... scene. That was it. We both lost it. "People get cut. That's life." Didn't Plato say that in his Allegory of the Cave? What made it better was, for no reason at all, the guy showed up in another scene, said, "People get cut. That's life," then disappeared for the rest of the movie.

Eventually, Lohan was missing her left hand and left foot (isn't that a heart attack symptom?). This prompted Al and I to play a game, a game which I'm going to share with you. We can call it "Rank Them." Is this game a little fucked up? Yes, it is. Is it going to be offensive to some people? Yes. Is this game important? Yes, very. 

It started with me asking Al what it would take for him to have a relationship with an amputee. He responded something along the lines of "hell freezing over." (Note: We're not talking about people who lost a limb in wars. They're excluded from discrimination, and respected even more.) I brought this up, in addition to the movie, because people in relationships act like, "Yeah, if you lost a limb, that wouldn't change things." I will openly say it would. It wouldn't end the relationship, but I would have to institute certain ground rules for the nub, such as: said nub will never be placed on my shoulder when I'm not expecting it. I would scream every time. You don't get used to that. 

So the game started out with the concept of what would it take, in a generic run-off, for an amputee to beat out another medical condition, attribute or state-of-mind. I'll list the choices for each game, without our rankings, except where our responses were unusual. You can play at home. This works for men and women.

Blind 
Deaf
Amputee

* Deaf is the easy winner here. Al went with amputee last, because he can't handle physical abnormalities. I put blind last because I think I would get tired of describing what things look like.

Serious criminal record
Stigmata

Amputee

*Somehow, I think everyone will choose the criminal here, no matter how heinous the crimes were. It's a toss-up between the other two. I think stigmata has to go last, because I think people with stigmata are attention-whores. Here's a question: Who is more likely to be elected President of the United States: An female atheist, a gay black man, or a white man with stigmata?

Amputee
Little person (non-dwarf, just really short, like 4'.
Illiterate

* Little person won for me, while illiterate won for Al, the guy who is getting his MFA in Creative Writing.

Mother of four (ages 2, 4, 6 and 8)
No vaginal opening (real condition)
Amputee

Born with extra body part (Can be anything, depending on your tolerance. Could be an ear, finger or arm.)
Member of remote pygmy tribe (No concept of the modern world.)

500 pounds

Different sized feet (Size 9 on one foot, and a size 2 on the other.)
Former porn star (gang-bang specialist)
Cat lady

*I think a cat lady is worse than a gang-bang specialist at least 90% of the time. Seriously, cat lady ranks about 10 levels below quadruple amputee.

Webbed hands
Hipster
Someone who talks about his or her exes constantly

*I ranked hipster last.

Female mixed martial artist
Polygamist wife/pioneer woman (You get all of the baggage of a polygamist wife or pioneer woman)
Tourettes
*I thought Tourettes was the easy answer, until I talked to Tony Graczyk, who pointed out, "What if it's racist Tourettes?" That's a good point. I don't know if there are categories. There should be. You can have Racist Tourettes, Sexual Tourettes, Asshole Tourettes, etc.

Huge fan of Jewel's poetry
Loves stupid bumper stickers
Ultimate Frisbee enthusiast

*This is tough, because all three are similar. It's nuance that separates them. I ranked them: Jewel, Frisbee, Bumper stickers. I figured at least the Jewel girl is into something that requires her mind. Everyone who played ultimate Frisbee in college didn't shower. That still got them a spot above people who put stickers on their car with messages like, "You should see me on MONDAYS!"

Hairy (except pelvic zone)
Normal amount of hair (except wild pelvic zone)
Depression meds for life

*Of the three people who have answered this, we've had three different answers.

6'9"
Blind
Amputee
No vaginal opening

* This is a tough one. I ranked 6'9" first. Al couldn't do that, because he was concerned that she would have a "freakish gait."

Huge mole on face
Russian Spy
Amputee

*Isn't Russian spy an incentive?

A Step in the Right Direction, Maybe

Fox News didn't renew the contract of E.D. Hill, the anchor who referred to the Obamas' fist-pound as a "terrorist fist jab." If you forgot that moment, here you go: 

I would have let her go as soon as she introduced herself as "E.D." Pick a word. I don't do initials, unless they're common, like TJ, or KT, or JJ. She's on TV and she can't pick a word to go by? Then get her off TV.  I can confidently say that I would never hang out with someone who tells me to call them by their odd combination of initials. This goes for you, E.B. White, J.E.B. Stewart (most-awkward name ever?), E.E. Cummings, and M.C. Esher (Jewish rapper?). If your initials aren't T.J., K.T, or J.J., pick one of your names and go with it.

Exception Note: My paternal grandfather went by B.M. I'm not making that up. Bowel Movement. His name was Bernice Malcom Conner, but he went by B.M. But I called him "Grandpa," which made it okay. Plus, if the initials are funny, they're acceptable too.

Good News-Bad News

I'm watching the Eagles-Bengals game. A Bengals player appeared to hurt his neck. He was stabilized and removed from the field. A few minutes later, the announcer said, "The tests have been run and we have good news. It was just a cervical injury." So, the good news is, it's not serious. The bad news: he's actually a woman.

*** Correction, November 17, 2008***

Two people have informed me that a cervical injury can be a vaginal injury or a shoulder injury. Well, we need to come up with a new word for one of them. If a woman has a toothache, we don't say that she "got kicked in the balls," because we came up with the word "toothache." We shouldn't be reusing biological words.

Public Television

Smart People Not Wanted at Fox News

Fox News mocks Peter Schiff, who pretty much predicted every aspect of the economic crisis. 

Sarah Palin spoke to the press today...

Please translate this for me:

Sitting here in these chairs that I’m going to be proposing but in working with these governors who again on the front lines are forced to and it’s our privileged obligation to find solutions to the challenges facing our own states every day being held accountable, not being just one of many just casting votes or voting present every once in a while, we don’t get away with that. We have to balance budgets and we’re dealing with multibillion dollar budgets and tens of thousands of employees in our organizations.

Bold Comparison

Representative Paul Broun (R-GA), compares Obama to Hitler, then says, "I'm not comparing him to Hitler," then continues to compare Obama to Hitler.

Africa

It turns out that Palin thinking Africa is a country was a hoax. However, there has been no refutation of the claim that she doesn't know the members of NAFTA.

Viva la Dance Revoluccion

-I did a show at Clemson University on Friday. I brought my friend, and Clemson almost-alumn, Jay Hastings to open the show. The school made shirts for the show, and gave me input on the design, which is a cool thing to do. I sent them this picture:

Now, the funny thing about the picture is the way I'm standing, where I'm standing, and the fact that it says, "I'm with Ryan." Why would anyone want to be "with" someone who does things like that. Any other picture wouldn't work.

Because they couldn't print that picture, they sent me a counter-design, in which they took a sillouhette of my headshot, and put words, "I'm with Ryan," below the picture. This made me look like an asshole. I'm not even going to share this picture. It looked like I was either very arrogant, or running for office. I responded, asking if they can change it to say "Stop Snitchin': A night with Ryan Conner and friend." I could have included Jay's name, but thought it would be a nice kick in the nuts to list him as "friend." That shirt was made, and I am happy.

The people who watched the show were good audience members. However there were distractions. The show was in somewhat of an on-campus Dave and Busters. The stage was in a well-lit room. About 100 feet away was a bowling alley. Next to the bowling alley was about 16-20 pool tables. Just past the last row of seats for our audience was several arcade games. Need for Speed is now one of my biggest enemies. Watch out cancer! The cars in that game are louder than real cars. If you weren't listening as closely as possibly could, you would not be able to hear the show at all. This is why they don't have comics at the Daytona 400/500/?00. To the left of the stage, just beyond the last seats, were two ping-pong tables. On the other side of the ping-pong tables: two Dance Dance Revolution games. Luckily they were turned off. Just before the show started, no one was playing ping-pong. Then two Asian girls started playing. Jay said, "How about that? The only two Asian people in the entire building are playing ping-pong." I said, "That's because Dance Dance Revolution is turned off." Neither of us are racist. Five minutes later, DDR was turned on, and these two girls took to it like flies on shit. Some stereotypes are hilarious.

During the show, there were a couple disruptive cheers from the DDR bunch, which ended up being about 20 people, only two of whom were Asian. This blew my mind on two fronts. I thought that the only people who play DDR are 14-year-old Asians and high-school drop-outs. These people were neither. I still have a problem with naming the game Dance Dance Revolution. A revolution? What are they revolting against? A social life? I don't know. I asked them during the show, while scouring the crowd to make sure people had my back (they didn't), and didn't get an answer. It's a goalless revolution. The best kind.

-It's funny how rhetoric works. When you demonize a group, you lose their votes. Muslim-Americans leaned Republican in previous elections. Not this time. Obama - 89%, McCain - 2%.

It Gets Worse

Now that the campaign is over, the McCain campaign is dishing the dirt . 

If you watch this video you will discover two examples of Sarah Palin's inadequacy. 

1. She didn't know the members of NAFTA. I remember learning about NAFTA when I was in 7th grade. It was easy to remember the countries involved because the "NA" stands for North America, and Greenland doesn't do a lot of trading. Therefore, USA, Canada and Mexico. Pretty simple stuff. And about three years ago, CAFTA (Central America) was approved. I bet that would blow her mind. "Central America? You mean like Kansas and Missouri?" No, there are countries to the south of Mexico with whom... "Mexico, like Cancun? Oh yah. Mexico is real cool." No, to the south of Mexico, there are several small countries... "Like Russia?" Yes, but smaller. "I like so don't know when you're jokin' or serious, mister."

2. She thought Africa is a country. I don't even know what to say about this, other than it being an unfair question. Who knows things like this? I always thought Africa was a city. "Hey Sarah, would you say that Africa is a country or a continent?" "I would say it's a country... Oh, wait! You gotcha medias have gotcha'd me for the last gosh darn time."