Jersey Shore Wrap-Up

This has nothing to do with anything here, but I just remembered a great line from the original UK series of The Office. If you aren't familiar with the episode, this isn't going to make sense, but if you know what I'm talking about, then you're welcome for the reminder. "I prefer flan."

And now the time has come for Jersey Shore to steal more of my time.

After the premier episode, I was hooked and wrote the following recap: http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/12/mtv-has-done-it-again.html

Check out the comments. They range from loving my synopsis to scorn.

This is the only show of the past few years, other than LOST, that I've made sure to watch each episode immediately. And here's the thing: I don't even like the show. But I love it. It's like an abusive relationship. I hate everything about it, but I keep coming back for more because I love something about it. Something these people could be, or something. I don't know what it is. Now I understand why Whitney kept going back to Bobby.

This show does nothing good for me. I have real work that I need to be doing right now. Work that actually matters and will have major bearing on my career. But this show has fucked up my priorities. I'm doing this instead. Normally, before going to sleep, I read and sometimes do Adobe AfterEffects tutorials. You know what I did last night? I spent 30 minutes reading about the body language of wolves, just in case. This fucking show stupefied me to the point that I thought I should prepare myself for a violent encounter with a wolf. I can't imagine what I would do with my time if I watched them "beat the beat back" one more time. Maybe a tattoo of a Hyundai logo, or a membership to a tanning salon. Fuck. Ryan, get yourself together.

I'm happy and sad that the show is over. I'm glad that I won't obsess about the show any more. But I'm sad that I may never again see Snooki ask if she should call 911 or Urgent Care to find out if Ronnie is in jail.

If you read my original write up, you know that I gave background on each character. It turned out that I nailed all of them to a T. So I'm going to give final thoughts on each one, and I'll be done with the show for good, or until they do another season next summer.

Angelina - I can't think of a more unlikeable character in the history of TV. Shrill, invasive, conniving, vain and jealous. These things combined to form a Voltron of cuntiness. Even if you're the type who is offended by the word "cunt," you aren't when it's used to describe this bag of filth, who appropriately carried her belongings in trash bags. Whenever a guy brought a girl back to the house, she was quicker than a Minuteman to block. She would just go up to these girls, call them bitches and make them leave. Ted Alexandro has a great joke where he says, "I've never hit a woman, but I have been in situations where I've thought, 'Oh, this is when some men hit women.'" That's what Angelina made me think of. Her objections to bringing girls over: They weren't "classy," and it showed "disrespect" on the part of the guys. I soon discovered that "classiness" and "respect" are the key Guido virtues, although only one person in the house actually knew the meaning of those words. Angelina was booted from the house on the third day for refusing to work 12 hours per week, hawking beach t-shirts. She didn't want to work because her married boyfriend was mad at her. She said, "I don't see him [as married]. I just see it as he's in a bad relationship." He just needs to break up with his wife, she thinks. I think I said it in the initial recap; To these people, life is like kids playing house. They don't understand anything.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 1

I'll take the over. I bet she got two as gifts, but doesn't wear them because the dragon skulls aren't pretty enough for her.

J-Woww - J-Woww is a hot mess. She might be schizophrenic, or at least a sociopath. She looks like a homeless prostitute. She's either the smartest or second smartest in the house. She has fits of rage where she wants to fight everything. She cheats on her boyfriend then watches the video and says she didn't cheat on her boyfriend (goes back to the old "no penetration rule"). She's incredibly manipulative. Her boyfriend didn't seem like a huge toolbox when he appeared in one episode, but he knows she's cheating on him regularly, yet he continues to buy her new Ed Hardy shirts at her beck and call.

J-Woww's best moment was in one of the last episodes. The Situation was making out with a girl in a club, who had made out with Vinny seconds earlier. J-Woww threw up in the bathroom and wanted The Situation to walk her upstairs to their suite. It was a ridiculous request, so The Situation refused. Then J-Woww threatened to fight the girl that he was making out with. She didn't. Instead, she elected to hit The Situation and get kicked out of the club. When The Situation returned to the suite, he was greeted with a J-Woww, Double-Dragon style, back-hand to the mouth. Even though everyone wanted The Situation to get hit in the mouth, the circumstances surrounding it made me think back to Ted Alexandro's joke.

J-Woww is the type of girl who would tell someone to suck her dick, causing everyone within an earshot to stop what they're doing and cringe.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 7

Over, again. She seems like the type of girl who would insist on drinking Ed Hardy wine (it exists), because "I'm a classy broad."

The Situation - In my initial write-up, I said that he should have his own TV network. I stand by that statement. After the pilot, my roommate Al, and I agreed that The Situation is the perfect Guido. He's the leader. He's not the smartest by any means. He's probably the second dumbest. But he has being a Guido down. He's perfect. G-T-L. That's how he starts every morning. Gym, tanning, laundry. All three are related to vanity. I understand going to the gym in the morning since he's a personal trainer, plus working out in the morning wakes you up. But tanning every day in a tanning bed when you literally live on the beach? 1) The FDA just announced that tanning beds are the easiest way to get cancer. 2) The guy is 28 and looks 45. Stay in the shade, bro (That's what he and I call each other). And laundry every day. Does he not realize that you can drop everything off at once?

The Situation made out with Snookie, which he said was fine. But he said he couldn't have sex with her because, "She's like my sister." You can make out with your sister, but everything goes back to the No Penetration Rule.

Al thinks that if The Situation had a smart wing-man, he would be unstoppable. I think Al is right.

I don't know what else to write about his. I would have to start a separate blog dedicated to The Situation in order to capture his essence. You have to watch in order to get it.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 30

This is a tough one. I can't place a bet. I'm sure he's owned at least 30, but as Sean Gabbert and I were saying last night, he probably goes through them like toothpicks. I bet he'll only wear them the month they came out. After that, they're his sweat towels at the gym.

Snooki/Snicks/Snooks/Snickuz - Snooks might be the dumbest person on Earth. She was shown a picture of Joe Biden and asked who it is. She said, "Vice President." Good job. And what's the Vice President's name? "Krone." Vice President Krone. She was asked, "When Reagan said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,' to what was he referring?" She responded, "The Denver Dam."

In the early episodes, we saw that she was late to work because she couldn't find the store. We also saw that she couldn't find her house one night when trying to get a guy named Ron, who she called Russ, to come home and sleep with her. Later, in the fourth or fifth episode, we learned that their house was on the boardwalk, and the store was in the front of the house. All they had to do was walk around to the front of the house. So, she couldn't figure out how to get to the front of her house. And she couldn't find her house even though it's on the boardwalk. There are no turns. You just walk and stop when you get to it.

She was talking to a guy who wore a cowboy hat and instinctively asked, "Do you own a farm?"

Their duck phone warped due to condensation, as J-Woww correctly told her. Snickers doesn't understand words and insisted that the phone didn't warp. No. It "morphed." The phone morphed.

The Situation brought three girls to the house and needed Snookers to block two of them. Anyone with a brain knows that those instructions meant she should occupy their time. Did Snicks understand that? Nope. Instead, as soon as they arrived, she said something to the effect of, "You two need to fuckin' leave. You can stay, but you other two sluts have to go." This earned her a solid punch to the jaw.

She also got punched by a man, in the scene that made this show famous. There's no excuse for a man to hit a woman, or for anyone to hit anyone, but when you're getting punched on the regular, you have to ask if you're a victim or a provocateur. The day after the guy punched her, she and J-Woww sat at a bar with five drinks each. Snooks couldn't open her mouth, and mumbled, "Why does this shit always happen to me?" It was one of my favorite moments of the series.

In the last episode, she spoke of how, out of boredom, she started an impromptu dance party on the boardwalk, with which the passers-by were enamoured. The footage showed that everyone was horrified because she was dancing to no music like she was on E.

She calls herself The Princess of Poughkeepsie. This is why monarchies are never a good idea.

Snicks has the mental capacity of an 8-year-old. Nothing else to say.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 6

I'll take the under. I think she has 4, but doesn't wear them because they aren't tight enough to reveal her physique.

DJ Pauly D - He seems like the type of guy who would confide in you that he's never been to school. He's really ignorant, but I think he has the capacity to not be an idiot. He's primarily just a huge douche. He has a 3' tattoo that says Cadillac. I think he has a Cadillac logo on his back as well. I could be wrong about that though. That said, I think he seems like an alright guy. He's not an asshole at all. He didn't try to get into fights. He wasn't creepy. He was just a huge douche. But a huge douche who would probably be fun to hang out with.

His best moment came when a Jewish girl stalked him. She asked him to go to the Holy Land with her. He responded, "I'm Catholic. You're people hate my people." WHAT???? He repeatedly said things like that about Judaism, sounding like someone talking about AIDS in 1982. No malice, but also no information.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 40

I bet Pauly has a separate room for his Ed Hardy shirts. He deejays six night per week. This guy owns everything Christian Audigier has ever made.

Ronnie - First rule of the Jersey Shore: "Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore." Oops. Ronnie, you broke your one and only rule. Ronnie is a good guy, I think. Not the brightest guy, but worlds ahead of The Situation, Snikkers and Pauly D. He seemed really nice. I could watch him dance for hours on end. He looked like he was having seizures and knew how to use them to his advantage. His only problem is that he has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. He never picked fights, but he did have points of no return, where if someone was talking shit to him, he would say "Enough," and knock them out. Also, he and Sammi would have a group cry daily.

Great moment: A guy was talking shit to all of them. They ignored it for a few minutes, as the asshole followed them down the street. Finally, Ronnie and his 'roid-rage had enough. He ran down the street, off-camera. Seconds later, he re-appeared, skipping down the street, joyously proclaiming, "One shot. That's one shot, bro." He was skipping as if he didn't realize he had done something bad. Cut to the guy he punched. The guy looked dead. Cops showed up. The Jersey Shore cast acted like nothing happened. Then a cop yelled, "Hey, Ronnie, come here." They knew his name.

Best quote of the entire series: "Sammi, I can't believe I even put you in the equation. I mean you... in the equation."

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 15

With Sean Gabbert's advice, I'll take the under. He pointed out that Ronnie probably has about five and wears them over and over. I think he's right. I also think that every time Ronnie pulls one out, he holds it up to the light and says, "This is my favorite one."

Sammi Sweetheart - Sammi is awful. She is the prototype of a terrible person. She doesn't seem dumb at all. She might even be pretty smart. But she has the emotional intelligence of an 8th-grader. She cries, lies, manipulates, makes every situation about herself and is incredibly jealous. Ronnie shouldn't have fallen for her crap. She did two things that he should have seen through.

1) She was very jealous. If Ronnie ordered a sandwich from a female cashier, she would think Ronnie was fucking her. People who are jealous like that are that way because they actually do what they accuse their partner of doing. Huge red flag.

2) I think this is what made her smart. Karl Rove changed politics (I'm not praising Karl Rove) with a new style of political branding. The first thing he would do in his races is establish his opponent's strengths as his weaknesses, and say that his own weaknesses were his strengths. So Sammi branded Ronnie as a cheater, and herself as a "Sweetheart."

She is a miserable person. It was great to see Ronnie break up with her on the reunion show. She seems like the type of person who would overreact to something and her mom would say, "Now Sammi, don't cry over spilled milk." And Sammi would shoot back, "But I want milk." Self-centered seaward.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under. I don't think she's into that stuff. Her only redeeming quality.

Vinny - Like I said in the first one, Vinny is a normal guy who didn't realize what he was getting himself into. I would hang out with Vinny.

Funniest moment for Vinny: He was at a bar and met an older woman. He didn't realize she came to the bar with his boss. He took her home. After they had already made out a little, he discovered this. He decided that the damage had already been done, so he said fuck it and kept going. Not only did the boss not care, but Vinny kept seeing her. That's boss, son.

Number of Ed Hardy Shirts Owned Over/Under: 4

Under, definitely. I think he has two. He bought one, thinking, "This looks ridiculous." Then his mom saw his shirt while doing his laundry and thought he loved it, so she bought him another one. Then she cut his steak for him.

I've been to a similar place on the Jersey Shore, called Wildwood. I spent two strange days there. While throwing a football on the beach, I cut my foot on a broken piece of glass. It's that kind of beach. Here's a video from Wildwood. Enjoy. It seems like the Wild West.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

(Don't worry, this isn't going to be really serious.)

I'm a news junkie. I go to about 15 sites a few times a day for news. The sites range all across the political spectrum, and covers newspapers, blogs, and traditional news sites like BBC and CNN. About a year and a half ago, I had to banish Drudge Report after about 10 years of reading it regularly, because it turned into a site dedicated to proving that Obama is some sort of Kenyan-Muslim-Witch with a racist Christian spiritual mentor. It's absurd now.

Now Huffington Post is almost in the same boat. Not in the way that it's a leftist-ideologue site like Drudge is a right-wing ideologue site, but in that it's absurd. I like it because they cover some newsworthy subjects that receive little coverage in other outlets. But at the same time, someone like Ian Zeirring will have a column on North Korea on the front page. Last year, there was an article about how people with allergies need to embrace the things they're allergic to, and they'll no longer be allergic. The argument was mind over matter. "If you're allergic to pollen, climb a tree in the Spring... If you're allergic to apples, consume an entire orchard." Science says that either of these things would kill me. But Huffington Post says they'll make me stronger. Hmmm... I wonder which one to do.

The latest Huffington Post ridiculousness might be the straw that broke the camel's back. This headline has been on the front page for four days: Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Largest Penis, Unemployed in New York, while there is no news at all about Iran. A few things: They cite him as if someone says "Jonah Falcon," and we all think, "Oh, that's the guy with the..." And the headline mentions his huge penis as if it's a skill, and implies, "How could the biggest dick in the world not have a job? In New York, of all places? In Boston, sure. But how could the world's biggest dick not find work in New York, surrounded by such inferior dicks?" I've never been to a job interview where that's come up. If Jonah Falcon had the world's most Phd's and was unemployed, he could get some sympathy from me. But I'm not shedding a tear for someone with a 13.5" penis, and no college degree, who can't find a job. The headline might as well be, "Jonah Falcon, Man with World's Sharpest Elbows, Unemployed in New York." Good luck finding a job, Jonah, but everything about the story is irrelevant and nothing close to news.

I did read the story to try to figure out why it's posted on the Internet. I couldn't figure it out. But there was a funny quote from Jonah. A lot of people think, "Why doesn't he just do porn?" forgetting that penis size isn't the only obstacle preventing every guy from being a porn-star. It's also because some people don't know how to sign up. Jonah Falcon's reasoning for not doing porn is "Nobody would take me seriously. Nobody." That's hilarious. I'm picturing people turning it on, he whips it out, and everyone says, "This is ludicrous! Make it go away!"

Movie Recommendation

If you're in the mood for mercenaries, Delta Force, a female Russian dissident turned CIA agent, Serbia, Chechnyan rebels, Tikrit, Russia, Al Qaeda, a deranged doctor, special effects that look like they were done in MS Paint, and vampire bats, all within an hour and a half span, I recommend to you "Bats: Human Harvest." Watch it in... confusion. I really had no idea of what was happening the whole time, but I do know this: It was worth it.

I've seen people write "WoW" over the past few years, and thought people were referring to Opie and Anthony's "Whip'em Out Wednesdays." Every time I saw WoW, I thought, "O and A are good, but WoW was like 10 years ago. Let it go." I just found out it stands for World of Warcraft. I lostmy geek card. I feel naked.

OMG, Funny Stuff on the Blog, LOL, Power Rankings, LMAO

After typing the title of this blog, I realized the Power Rankings should be for most annoying chat acronyms. Oh well. Another day. But seriously, if you type "LOL," stop it. You aren't actually laughing out loud. We know you aren't, except for my friend Jay, who I've seen laugh out loud after reading a text. He can type LOL any time he wants. No one else.

The actual subject is terrible products in extended commercials and infomercials. So, it's either from an infomercial, or one of those commercials where about a minute and a half in, you think, "This is a long-ass commercial for electric socks. How can they afford this?" All of these products are completely useless, a scam, or there's a very common product that can replace them.

9. That guy who sells CDs on how to use Ebay.

This guy looks like an uncle who would show up every other Thanksgiving and talk to everyone about his recent "opportunities." He also probably brags about his marinade that "makes the juiciest pork tenderloin you'll ever eat."

Here's the scam: Buy my CD about how to use Ebay. So, you buy a CD. The CD instructs you to got to ebay.com. Once there, just click around. Now you're using EBay. It's ludicrous. He may as well be selling a CD that teaches people how to own a CD.

8. The 5- Hangers Thing or any other clothing space saver

This is the stupid product which prompted this Power Rankings. It's a thing which holds five hangers, which can then be cascaded vertically, saving you tons of closet space, according to the commercial. But I'm not sure how accurate the commercial is, because the closet in the commercial has about 20 bubble jackets in it. How about if you get rid of 19 of your bubble jackets? That's a free solution. You could even put them on EBay and make money off the jackets. But, how do you use Ebay? As a general rule, the best space saver is getting rid of shit. "But I need 14 yellow sweaters." The world doesn't need 14 yellow sweaters. I hope you like being lonely.

This might be the angriest Power Rankings yet.

7. Flavor Wave Turbo Oven

Twice, I have considered buying the Flavor Wave Turbo Oven. The first time was because Mr. T is the spokesperson, and the guy can sell. The second time was because I thought, "Hold on, I can cook that meal in 20 minutes?" Then I remembered that I already have an oven which could do the same in 30 minutes.

6. Mega Memory

This is a scam by a guy named Kevin Trudeau. Well, I remembered his name, so I guess it worked to some extent. Mega Memory is the only one on the list that I actually fell for and bought. And let me tell you, it's bullshit. The only thing it succeeds at is helping you remember, word-for-word, a stupid story that the program recites about 100 times. Then they say, "See, you have perfect memory recall now." No, you just told me the same shit 100 times.

Why did I buy Mega Memory and Mega Memory Advanced, you might ask? I was a sophomore in college and came up with a plan (the plan will not disclosed here, although I will state it did not involve a coup), which necessitated me memorizing the entire Constitution. The plan was stupid and it failed.

The essence of Mega Memory is "Hey, if you aren't completely stupid, you can remember something if someone says it to you over and over all day." No shit. Here's $80, Kevin Trudeau.

5. Flowbee

This one is patently absurd. I think their patent actually states that. Flowbee, U.S. (Absurd) Patent 3045987. It's a hair clipper that hooks up to your vacuum cleaner, thereby sucking your hair and cutting it. The only positive is there's no clean-up involved.

Now, I understand people trying to save money on haircuts. I have a few friends who cut their own hair. But they shave it. Perfectly understandable. But when I was a kid, if my parents wanted to cut my hair, and the choices were to let my mom go at it with scissors and no experience, or a fucking vacuum cleaner, I'm going with my mom every time. The thing about vacuum cleaners is they don't have eyes. They just suck and cut. Everything will be the same length, unless the vacuum cleaner is weak and only sucks certain strands, in which case you will look homeless and crazy. I have a really weird shaped head. There's a crest along the top from where my brain is so huge, it's looking for more space to accommodate it. I look like an alien when my head is shaved. But I'd shave my head before letting a Dirt Devil cut it.

4. Flirty Girl Fitness

Flirty Girl Fitness is a staple of MTV's four minute commercial breaks. It's a fitness program for girls who just wanna grind on something. That's all it is. They show girls, who are clearly on a legit work-out program, grinding on chairs, poles, whatever can be ground. And they're like, "This is all you have to do to be a hot-bodied Flirty Girl." How about if you just go for a jog for like 2 minutes. That would be more of a workout than six hours of chair grinding. Here's the slogan for my counter workout program: "Just go for a 10 minute run four or five times per week, and you'll be grinding animate objects in no time! Be the slut of your dreams!"

3. Girls Gone Wild

I will never understand the appeal of this series. Ron Francis has Jerry Seinfeld money just for going up to young sluts and saying, "Hey honey, show me them titties." He probably makes as much money as Howard Stern, sees about the same number of naked women at work, but doesn't have to have talent like Howard, or wake up at 3am. That's his basic career objective: "I want to be Howard Stern, except I don't want to be talented or have responsibilities. Basically, I'm trying to see some titties and get money." Notice that's Ron Francis saying "titties" over and over, not me.

It all boils down to this: Girls Gone Wild came out while the Internet was already thriving. The Internet is overflowing with actual porn that is free. So, it was already obsolete when it was introduced, but it's still making tons of money. It has to be the most well-marketed shitty product of the past 20 years. More-so than Tech-Vests? Yes.

2. Gold

Gold? Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, the price of gold is steady. But the commercials for gold are huge scams. It's usually right-wing mouthpieces who are in the commercials, speaking as if they're an unbiased commenter, while they have huge financial stakes in the company. "Hey, Darlene, Glenn Beck said we should trade our everything for gold... Yeah, we should do it. Has Glenn lied in the past?" Never trust a Glenn who has two N's in his name. If anyone ever tells you to invest in something because it's fool-proof and you'll make a ton of money, the only person who will be making money is the person trying to sell you on the idea.

The way it's a scam is, they hike their sale price to well over the market price for gold, which gives them an enormous commission. And you've paid an amount for your gold that you'll never be able to sell it for. Huge scam. If you're watching a show and a gold commercial comes on, turn it immediately. When a gold commercial airs, it means that the gold company thought, "Idiots will be watching this show." And you aren't an idiot, are you? Of course not.

1. Anything selling a book on how to make money

These are my favorites. You have to be half a 'tard to buy a book on how to make money with no effort. All of these books should be one sentence: "Write a book on how to get rich with no effort."

Updates...

I've been pretty inactive on the blog and in doing stand-up over the past few months. While I've been relatively absent from those things, I've been very active working on other things. You'd be surprised at how good you can get at darts in only four months. Just kidding. Here's what has been going down:

-We finished shooting the Crucial Element series. We're in post-production now. The series is seven episodes. Episode 5 will be finished tonight. The entire series will be cut by Jan 1. Then we just have to adjust audio and do minor things to it. The target date for everything being completed is Feb 1. Then the series will be ready for whatever. We hope to pitch it to anyone who will listen/watch. It's really funny, and I think that anyone sharing a similar sense of humor will agree. Not only that, but the series' total runtime will be about 90 minutes. It also has the story arc of a film. I think that will make it even more interesting to people. It's essentially a film broken into seven chapters for people who have short attention spans. So, hopefully, we can get some sort of web deal for that.

- I've been writing essentially non-stop for several months now. Screenwriting is what I always wanted to do for years before I started stand-up. The reason I did stand-up, is because I wrote a full series when I was 21, and had some leftover ideas. I tried those ideas as stand-up and they worked.

Here's where I am now:

In the past few months, in addition to Crucial Element...

-I completed writing a pilot for a sit-com that I had been working on for about 7 years, writing and re-writing. I finally figured it out. The form and humor is very original and everyone I've sent it to has given great feedback. I'm just waiting for the CE final product, so I can pitch them together.

- I finished writing two short films. I like them both (one more than the othere) and want to shoot both of them. However, one necessitates guns and a large explosion. So, that one is on the back burner for now. The other short film is easily shootable right now. We'll probably shoot it in the Spring, since that's when it takes place.

-We have a short project that we plan on doing soon. I can't give out many details, but it's a quick thing that will have roughly six episodes. As soon as we finish CE, we'll get on this. The turnaround time will be very short.

-About 30 minutes ago, I finished writing my first feature length screenplay. Over the past nine years, I've started probably a dozen, but I abandoned all of them, because I didn't have the necessary perspective to write what I wanted to write. I've written probably around 40-50 teleplays, which are 25-40 pages each. But it's not the same as writing a screenplay. A comedy teleplay doesn't have to have the dramatic depth of a screenplay, so it's infinitely easier. My goal has never been to write a comedy with a story that works, but to write a good drama that is funny.

Three and a half years ago, I started script development on an idea with a company that handles development for a major studio. We weren't on the same page. They wanted something that I thought was formulaic. I wanted something that I wasn't able to write at the time. So, we stopped working together. After getting an idea for adjusting the story recently, I opened the script back up and went to work. I ended up completely changing it so that there are no resemblances to the original story whatsoever. The only thing that relates the two ideas is that one was a bridge to the other. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like in stand-up, when you try to do something outside your established "style," you might suck at it for a while, but you have to do it and suck in order to figure out how to make it work. That's what I did with this, and I think I have finally written a good drama that is funny. Now, do you happen to have about $80,000 so I can shoot it?

Jim Morrison

I can't think of anyone who is or was nearly as cool as Jim Morrison. Maybe Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson, but no one else comes close, that I can think of. The Doors are one of my favorite bands. Jim Morrison is one of my favorite singers and lyricists. But every now and then, between all of his genius, he would say something either completely bizarre or funny. Regardless of what was said, or how he said it, the same result was achieved: Women screamed and men nodded in the affirmative.

"You're all a bunch of fuckin' idiots."

He said this during an open part of a song at a live show. If anyone else had said it, people would have been at least slightly offended. But what happened when Jim said it? Women screamed and men nodded.

"Adolph Hitler is alive. I slept with her last night."

This is actually a poem of his called Adolph Hitler. It's on the box-set. Play it for anyone and their reaction is guaranteed to be a brief pause, followed by, "Hold on, what?"

"Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

This is my favorite. The Doors were on the Ed Sullivan show, where they played Light My Fire. The producers told Jim he couldn't say "Girl we couldn't get much higher." He agreed to change the line. But the show was live and he sang the line anyway. After the performance, Ed Sullivan walked over and said, "You will never be on this show again." Jim responded, "Who cares? We just did the Ed Sullivan show."

"I don't know how many of you believe in astrology..."

"I do!" yelled a female audience member.

"I think it's a bunch of bullshit."

"Me too!" yelled the same female audience member.

This is the perfect example of rock-stars having mind control over people.

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

Considering some of his decisions, he must have had some really bad haircuts.

"I don't remember my birth. It must have happened during one of my blackouts."

Genius.

You Two Should Link Up

If you haven't read my synopsis of Jersey Shore, scroll down and read that first. There you go, scrolling and what-not. Nice job.

I grew up down the street from my friend Adrian. He's a cool guy. Fun to hang out with. And he is/was, we'll say, quirky. A few facts:

Several of us would play spades a couple times a week. Adrian's team would lose every single time. His team never won in about four years. But he never caught on. Everyone else knew. But he just thought he was having bad luck.

He tattered his t-shirt sleeves to look like The Ultimate Warrior. He would also ask at least once per week if we thought The Ultimate Warrior would be coming back soon. His question was met with blank stares every time.

He went to college with Quincy, my roommate and CE brethren. Their dorms had a front door and a back door. Every day for three years, Adrian would cut through Quincy's room to get to his room. No explanation.

Our favorite thing about him is his conversations. He starts every conversation with, "Like I was saying...," even if he hadn't been saying anything. One time, during college, I was hanging out at my friend Jay's house. Adrian walked in. I hadn't seen him in three years. As soon as he stepped in the door, he said, "Ryan, like I was saying, I told you about the Lakers. I don't know why you were doubting them."

"I wasn't doubting them. I don't... What are you talking about?"

"Jay, like I was saying, why are you scared to play me in Madden?"

He was as bad at Madden as he was at spades.

And his other conversation habit, which is the subject of this blog entry, was his tendency to try to get people to hang out together based on a random commonality. This is how a typical conversation would go. Adrian would start, "I just had a study group."

"Cool. What class?"

"Econ. There's this guy, Paul, in my group. He wears glasses like yours. You two should link up. You both wear glasses"

He was always looking for that link. It could be the smallest thing for two people to have in common, and he would suggest that you "link up." "You two both have noses. You should link up."

This past weekend, I was in my friend Craig's wedding. It was a good wedding and all that. But there were two peripheral characters who were killing me. I would like to see them with their own shows on The Situation Network (Read the Jersey Shore entry). It was a Catholic wedding. I told someone that and he said, "Isn't Craig black?" Yeah. "I've never heard of a black person having a Catholic wedding." Me either. His wife is Catholic, and white. Good point, someone.

The priest who officiated the wedding wasn't available for the rehearsal, so he had his buddy, Father Ralph, fill in. Father Ralph was gay. Not gay like a lot of other Catholic priests who barely set off a good gaydar. Father Ralph wasn't hiding anything. He was Perez Hilton gay, pushing Margaret Cho fan gay. He was as flamboyant as can be. It was spectacular. He was performing the whole time, "Now ladies, you're going to walk down the aisle like this," he said as he demonstrated a cat-walk strut, with arms shifting from side-to-side. "Just kidding," he interrupted himself with a giggle, "just walk normal and cute!" And the best line, "Now we have more groomsmen than brides-maids, so the last two ladies are going to get two guys each." Then he perked up, "Two guys each! LUCKY!!!!" Although I felt bad for him for having to suppress his identity because of the church (the church would say he's not gay, but someone who was raised by his mother), this sentence was the highlight of my weekend.

After the wedding, the photography began on the altar of the church. The photographer was Japanese. Craig is black, and all the groomsmen other than myself are black. I think the photographer wasn't used to photographing two things: Churches and black people. He was clueless to the whole reverence thing that is usually observed on church altars. And I think he got his impression of black culture from the one that was portrayed on TV during the 80s and 90s by white people.

While taking pictures of the girls, once again, on the altar, he said, "Okay, girls. Let's get sexy! Come on, show me sexy." It was awesome. Come on girls, show the crucifix a little more leg. Hike up that dress for the Lord.

While shooting the groomsmen with the bride, he had us do a straight-forward shot. Then he said, "Okay, now turn away from her." We thought that was odd. "Now, fold your arms and look away." We did it, but we weren't sure why. And we were sure it was a bad omen for future pictures.

The next sequence of photos would be one groomsman with Craig. We did a straight-forward shot, then a pose dictated by the photographer. First up: Jay. Jay looks just like Warren Sapp. It's irrelevant, but I like throwing it out there. They did their standard pose, facing the camera and smiling. Then they got instructions: "Turn away from each other and fold your arms. Look tough." At this point, I was standing next to Craig's brother Alan, who is an actual rocket scientist who creates synthetics to make spacecraft out of. Alan, disturbed, mumbled, "Are we in Run-DMC? What is... I'm... he better not ask me to do that." This is where the photographer's image of black people being constructed by 80s TV comes into play. He had this Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo image in his head, but the breakdown actually was: a rocket scientist, three programmers, an FBI lawyer, a small-business owner, and me. Craig has even been known to wear Cosby sweaters. When we saw the Run-DMC pose, we all decided we would preempt the photographer and tell him the pose should be a handshake. After a couple handshakes, Craig's other brother, Clay, was up. I guess he forgot about the planned preemptive strike, aka The Bush Doctrine. They did the standard picture. Then the photographer said, "You're brothers, right?" Yeah. "Okay, can you kiss or hug each other?" WHOOOOOAAAAA. Did not see that coming. Alan and I thought he actually asked them to "Kiss or rub each other." I'm not sure which is worse. Probably the rub. Craig and Clay politely declined to kiss and caress each other on the altar of brotherhood. And all I could think was "This guy and Father Ralph should link up."

MTV has done it again

MTV has generally sucked for the past 13 years. But every now and then, they do something that is incredible. Scared Straight, 16 and Pregnant, and now Jersey Shore. I first saw an ad for the show a few months ago and thought it could be good. There was a line about fist-pumping, which gave me hope. Then MTV bills the show as featuring "the hottest, tannest Guidos in Jersey," or something like that. How can you not watch that? Even the Italian-American Association of NJ tried to get MTV to not air the show, which proves it's more of an expose than a reality show.

I've lived in NJ for three years now. The people on Jersey Shore are about 0.04% of the population, but that's all it takes. I used to go to a gym with these people. They take steroids and blow-dry their bodies in the locker room. I went to a certain beach in NJ that was full of them. I can testify that this show is real. It's not an MTV creation by any means. But just to be clear, only one member of the show is actually from NJ. Most are from Staten Island, but they all think the Jersey Shore is heaven on Earth. And that's how you know they're morons from the outset.

Now, onto the show...

Background:

Eight Guidos and Guidettes (they call themselves that) live in a beach house for a summer. They work at a novelty t-shirt stand during the day, selling shirts that say things like, "Where's the G-Spot?" One girl pitched a shirt to a customer by yelling, "Hey, you like crosses?" That's what we're dealing with. I think The Real World is pathetic at this point. It's just young morons who want to be on TV. They're too young and dumb to realize what they're doing. Not the case on Jersey Shore. They are dumb, but they are anything but young. Some are around 30 years old, which makes it much more adorably pathetic.

Characters:

Angelina - I hate her so much. She's by far the worst person on the show. She constantly talks about how hot she is and how every other girl is a whore who doesn't respect herself. She is a blocker-extraordinaire. There really isn't much to her, except that she refuses to do any work at the t-shirt store because, as she said, "I'm better than this. I'm a bartender. I do great things."

Jenni aka J-WOWW - This train wreck introduces herself as J-WOWW. It's remarkable. She's also absolutely hideous. She accentuates her hideousness with breast implants, weird hair-dye and very slutty clothing. In two episodes which spanned three days, she cheated on her boyfriend twice. But if you asked her if she cheated, she would say no, because there was no penetration. I'm making none of this up.

Best J-WOWW quote: "Your penis is pierced. I like it. I saw your penis."

Mike aka The Situation - The Situation should get his own network. I could watch this guy live 24/7. My friend, Al, and I used to watch Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. After Dark didn't mean risque. It just meant it was late at night and the cameras were still on. There was no editing. We would just watch to see how long it would take until someone did something. One time, we watched for a half-hour and the only thing that happened was someone made a sandwich and cut their nails. I could watch The Situation make a sandwich and enjoy it. He refers to himself as The Situation. He says things like, "Ladies love The Situation. The Situation is good. And when you find yourself situated in The Situation, it will be a good situation." The best part of The Situation is that he looks like he has to be 40. If he's not, then I'm going to guess tanning beds aren't good for your skin. This guy is an entertainment powerhouse. That's all I can say.

Best The Situation quotes:

The first thing he said to a girl: "Hey girl, what's ya nickname?" As if everyone has a nickname. Of course, the girl did have a nickname. She was a Guidette.

To a random girl he greeted on the street with a kiss on the cheek, "Girl, you lookin' hot. Where you been at?"

Nicole aka Snooki - If J-WOWW is a trainwreck, Snooki is the aftermath of Hiroshima. She is easily the dumbest person to ever be on TV. She couldn't figure out how to use a phone. She hung up on someone five times on accident. The phone was shaped like a duck. Her excuse for hanging up on people, "Who buys a duck to use as a phone?" She's an attention and general whore. On the first night, she wanted people to focus on her, so she got into the hot-tub with the male roommates and tried to give them lap dances, while wearing her bra and thong. She did not have the body for these shenanigans. It looked like she was wearing a backpack. Snooki showed up about 30 minutes late to work on her first day. Her excuse: "I was in the bathroom."

After she said about two sentences, I couldn't prevent myself from saying, "That's the type of girl you donkey punch."

I asked my roommate what ethnicity Snooki is. He said, "Tanning bed." He was right.

In episode 3, which airs tonight, Snooki gets punched square in the face. Check your local listings.

Best Snooki quote:

Guy on phone: "Are you going to hang up on me again?"

Snooki: "No."

Snooki promptly sat the phone down, hanging it up on accident for the fifth time.

DJ PAULY D - This dude is very dumb and a huuuuge douche. He has orange skin, from the tanning bed in his house. He spikes his hair in the douchiest way I've ever seen hair spiked. And he's the top DJ in Rhode Island, which confuses me because he's the only thing I don't like about Rhode Island. He's the guy with the pierced penis. But, "Shh... don't tell nobody. They don't know about it." Oops. You signed the waiver, jackass. For the most part, Pauly was a background douche. Not very proactive with his douchiness. Except... they were at a bar and he punched a guy in the nose. Why, "The dude was looking at The Situation, and it was a situation that you don't put my boy in, so I blauuuwww, punched him in the face." I've never been in an adult fight. The closest has been shoving in soccer and basketball games. But somehow these people get into fights every night. I don't know what I'm doing right and they're doing wrong, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Punches hurt.

Best Pauly quote: "It only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose."

Ronnie - Although he says he's The Bronx's Finest, for the sake of The Bronx, I hope he's wrong. This dude is enormous and refuses to wear shirts. People need to see his muscled-up physique and actual-size crucifix tattoo. He doesn't really contribute much except general stupidity. He just sits there and looks dumb. He looks like a henchman from a movie. No make-up needed. Just put a shirt on him and roll cameras.

Best Ronnie quote: N/A

Sammi aka "Sweetheart" - Although Sweetheart is her nickname, occasionally she says things like, "That's why they call me Sammi Sweetheart." She goes by both names. She is easily the biggest slut in the house. She made out with two guys in the house in about 10 minutes, then inexplicably turned on The Situation like when Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Janetty through the barber shop window. I was stuck there, asking, "Where did that come from?" This is the type of person who you want to be miserable, but you know she's too stupid to ever be miserable.

Best Sammi Sweetheart quote: "Yeah, I hooked up with you and Ronnie. So? Ronnie's hot."

Vinny - I don't have a bad word to say about Vinny. He's okay in my book. I chalk him being on the show up to him just turning 21. He's not dumb, and has self-respect. The only knocks on him are: sunglasses at night, and according to my friend, Erin, his mother cuts his meat for him.

Best Vinny Quote: Three girls came over. The Situation asked if they wanted to get in the hot tub. They responded that they didn't have swimsuits. Vinny to the rescue: "Oh, that's perfect. That's great. It's actually better that way."

Twitter

Just letting you know that if you're on Twitter, so am I. My page is twitter.com/rccoomedy

Tales from Chinaland, Part Something: Vengeance!

I'm not a fan of routine. At the same time, I'm not into being crazy. I like experiencing new things as much as possible. But not if they're dangerous or fit a certain class of crime... SHANGHAI!

That was the trailer for this entry.

While in a foreign place, I used to forget that what's normal for there isn't necessarily normal for the United States, the place where I live. I toured Western Europe right before my senior year of high school with an orchestra. A perfect storm occurred while there: My dad gave me a credit card with a higher limit than I currently have. My sense of fashion norms were heavily skewed after about a week in Europe. The orchestra didn't allow us to wear jeans. And lastly, Billy Corgan wore silver pants at the time. All these things caused me to buy clothes and dress like a douche for a while. Maybe not a douche, but something. We'll say I dressed with oblivious self-confidence. I bought a pair of shiny silver pants. I bought a pair of shiny blue Diesel pants, because I knew the name Diesel due to them providing Chris Hardwick's wardrobe on Singled Out. I also bought a weird black, purple, and lime green Versace shirt. How do you top that? Why, with a black, red and white Versace jacket. I wore these things regularly for about a year. I would often wear them with royal blue Nike Foamposites. I looked like a clown. Like a gay/European clown.

Over the years, I've become more aware of these things. I still wear wolf shirts regularly, and an American Standard shirt that says, "Proud to be plunger-free," but nothing is shiny. So, when I was in China, I was ready for it. I wouldn't fall victim to any goofy-ass clothes. For the most part, Chinese people wear the exact same things we wear here. But whenever I entered a store, I would instantly be accosted by a salesperson claiming to have the perfect shirt for me. "My friend, I have super deal for you. Beautiful shirt. You like very much."

It would a mess of purple, orange, forest green, brown and hot pink, with a panda riding a dragon.

"My friend, the panda bring you friendship, and the dragon bring you much prosperity."

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it will bring me ridicule and regret as well. The friendship and prosperity is just a theory. I'd put money on ridicule and regret. I'm gonna pass.

A common theme in Shanghai was "This place is crazy. Do crazy stuff." I am not a huge fan of crazy stuff, mainly because I know the meaning of the word crazy. I was invited to "the only legal hash bar in China." Not going. The fact that it's the only legal hash bar means that it's not a legal hash bar. They're either paying off the police, or they haven't been caught yet. No thanks.

A guy I hung out with a lot there said, "Anything that can be done, is done in Shanghai." I don't think that's a reference to dreams coming true. I think it's more, "You wouldn't believe where your fist would fit for only $10." No thank you. I'll just eat some noodles.

This is one of the best music videos you will ever see.

I Say Fever, by Ramona Falls

China Part 5: Things Happened!

Before the China stuff, I just need to state something for the record. Yesterday, I played a full-court basketball game and made one of the most impressive defensive plays of my life. The best player on the other team beat his man and was going in for a lay-up. I came from the weak side, and while he was in the air with the ball extended, with both hands, I took the ball from him like it was a hand-off. He was humiliated. If you don't play basketball, that means nothing to you. I you do play basketball, you still don't care. Some things just need to be put out there.

CHINESE

I don't go to clubs. Before going to China, I had been to one club in my life. That was in Madrid. I've written about it here on my blog. It was the night I hit rock-bottom, and I won't mention it again.

I don't go to clubs for several reasons:

1. I don't dance.

2. I don't go to places that charge covers. Why should anyone have to pay just to be in a building when other buildings don't charge? It's insane.

3. People who go to clubs annoy me. Not all of them, but you know what I mean.

4. I don't like loud places, unless it's a concert.

5. I don't like being surrounded by drunk people, unless they're my friends.

6. I don't go to places that have a dress-code.

7. I don't like club/danceable music.

8. I don't like being overcharged for drinks.

9. Conversation is my forte, so I don't like being in places that aren't conducive to conversations.

About nine years ago, after talking about clubs with my friend, Travode, I put in an Otis Redding CD, and Travode said, "You're like a 50-year-old black man." I froze for a second, then couldn't refute it.

Despite the nine huge strikes, I still went to a club in Beijing. After one of the shows, a group of audience members asked if I wanted to join them at a place called "Bling." They said they "have a table." Negative. I will never go to a place called Bling, no matter what country it's in. And I will never pay a fee to sit at a table at any point in my life. Then the people who put on the show invited me to a bar with them. It was a quiet little bar. Very fun. $2 beers. Quiet enough to talk without yelling. Then I was told that I should go to a club called "Mixx" to observe what a Chinese club is like. The people who invited me were cool and not clubbers by any means. They said it's really funny to watch people at clubs. I agreed to go.

The club shared a parking lot with one of the Olympic stadiums. Across the lot from Mixx, was a club whose name I can't remember, but it rhymes with Mixx. The adjacent club also had an Outback Steakhouse in it, which was very confusing.

We entered the club and payed the cover, which was about $8 USD. The place was madness. Rap and Latin music was blaring. Some new stuff that was horrible, and some old stuff that was equally as horrible, like Kriss-Kross. Now, onto the differences...

1. American djs have headphones on and look like they're into the music the whole time. This dj stood completely upright, stoic, and calmly clicked a mouse. Now I have the phrase, "He looked like a communist dj," at my disposal.

2. Girls at American clubs take dancing very seriously (Keep in mind that I've never been to an American club, but I have seen The Real World). Most look like they know what they're doing. It may look like a variation of a standing dry-hump, but it's coordinated and looks rehearsed. And for a bit of positive racism: every Latin person I've ever seen dance clearly knows what they're doing. In China, there are two dances. If you're a "good" dancer, you stand on the stage and dance for all to see. They think they look like girls in rap videos. But in reality, everyone looked like they were doing different incantations of the robot. That was worth the price of admission. The other dance was far better. I call it The Standard. The guys I went to the club with, and I, stood in the middle of the dance floor, none of us dancing, to get a better view of what was going on. We were surrounded by The Standard. Guys looked like they were drunk and struggling to stand up. It may have been a dance. They may have actually been trying to stand up. The girls did the funniest dance I've ever seen. With a stiff torso and limp arms, they jogged in place. Every girl there! With every step, the limp arms would swing slightly. All this was done with a huge smile on their faces. I can't imagine dancing with someone when that's their go-to move. It seems like you would just be racking up Charlie Horses as their knees slam into your legs. "This is so much fun. Do you have any ice?"

3. There were a lot of Eastern European guys there too. I couldn't tell if most of them were gay, or it was just cultural differences.

4. A guy passed out on the sidewalk next to me as I went outside for fresh air. I turned to look at him and foam was bubbling from his mouth. Security did the right thing and carried him to the edge of the building where they dropped him. Eventually an ambulance came.

5. I wore jeans, a green t-shirt, and grey New Balances, and I had no trouble getting in. That could never happen at an American club.

6. No fights. I didn't even see an argument. Everyone seemed really friendly, whereas I think about 10% of Americans go to clubs hoping they'll get into a fight.

The next day, I went to Forbidden City and a really good Thai Restaurant, and the club experience was forgotten.

Guy almost died.

Race Surprises

There are a few singers whose races I was wrong about until I was at least 25. There are probably more that I have wrong, but I don't know how to find that info. Danny Rouhier suggested I search for "race surprises," but all the results pertained to horses and politics. Here are the big four. If you knew the races of all four of these guys, then you are probably a liar.

1. Dan Hartman - I Can Dream About You

I would have put all of my possessions on this song being by a white guy.

2. Peter Frampton - Peter Frampton is somehow white. I actually thought he was Jamaican. This is another one that I would have put money on 10 years ago.

3. Billy Ocean - Get Out of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)

I still can't believe Billy Ocean isn't white. His name is Billy Ocean. It's like Bill Simmons' Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. This is like if someone told me David Ruffin (Temptations) was white.

4. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

This song prompted the list. It was on one night in Arlington about 4 years ago that Danny Rouhier told me Astley is white and Billy Ocean and Dan Hartman are black. It reversed my brain. I could not believe it. I was wrong on all three. Not only is Rick Astley white, but he's also British. How do I process that?

Bonus: Milli Vanilli: The guys who actually sang their studio tracks were white, which just adds confusion to the whole thing.

China Part 4: To Be Continued

You are so fucking lucky. Initially, I wrote a paragraph about how my rent is going up, so I'm moving. You can thank me for deleting that paragraph and replacing it with these three boring sentences.

China.

This is a small one, but there's something about an airplane that makes a man order tomato juice. I don't know what it is, but every time I'm on a plane I start jonesing for it. This time, so many people had my condition that on the first beverage cart trip, they ran out of tomato juice before they got to me. The entire row in front of me and my entire row asked for it. If you're a sociologist, can you please study this? Note that I have never desired tomato juice while standing on the Earth.

I probably have 30 China-related stories to relay. This is one from the flight to China. At each seat, we had a screen where we could watch any of 400 movies and 100 TV shows. I decided that 18 hours captive on a loud plain was a great time to watch some great movies. I've had this problem over the years that I don't know classic movies. I know Citizen Kane and Casablanca, and movies like that. But I don't know the ones that people reference on a daily basis. I have a friend who references The Godfather and Scarface all the time. I have no idea of what he's talking about. Others quote Pulp Fiction. Hadn't seen it. On the other hand, I've seen:

-Roadhouse at least 10 times.

-Guns x6

-Enemy Gold x4

-The Dallas Connection x3

-Picasso Trigger x3

-Boxing Helena x6

-American Ninja Parts 1-4 x4 or 5

So, I watch a lot of movies, just not the good ones. With any kind of art, other than music, I prefer the shittiest each genre has to offer. I love great movies and TV shows as well. But I get bored when something is just okay or pretty good. So, if it's not great, it better be awful.

On this flight, I decided to watch all the greats. Then I would be able to have conversations with people. I started with Pulp Fiction. Wow, what a great movie. I can't believe I hadn't seen it for 10 years. It's ridiculous. I saw Inglorious Basterds before I saw Pulp Fiction. There's no excuse for that.

Others that I wanted to see include: The Godfather Trilogy, Chinatown, Taxi Driver, The Pianist and A Beautiful Mind.

Those all seemed a little heavy for after Pulp Fiction, so I decided to watch something that had won a lot of awards, but was light. I chose Sideways. It was a really entertaining movie. Not great, but good enough for me to enjoy it. However, there was one big problem. At the beginning of the movie, a message came up that said the film had been modified to fit the screen, et cetera. The same message came up for Pulp Fiction, but none of the dialogue was changed, and there was a scene that would have been really uncomfortable to watch if a kid was sitting next to me. I wasn't bothered by the message.

During the first scene, Paul Giamatti (Giamatti from now on) said, "Oh, fiddlesticks." I thought, "Hmm, that's odd. Maybe he's being ironic. Or, the character is a teacher. Maybe he's really like that." Eventually, I discovered that wasn't the case, and I was watching a TV edit with terrible dubs. There was actually white noise in the background when there was a dub. I still muscled through and watched the whole movie, changing the dialogue in my head. Here is some sample dialogue, followed by what I assume was the original dialogue.

Thomas Hayden Church (Wings from now on) and Giamatti were sitting in a diner when Wings said, "I'm gonna get you loved on this trip. Shut the flip up. I'm gonna get you loved." That's when I knew it was a TV edit. The original dialogue was obviously, "I'm gonna get you lovin' this cock. Shut the flip top. I'm gonna get inside you." No dude on dude rape threats on flights. Kids are on flights.

After Wings had sex with a woman, he told Giamatti about the experience. Wings: "This girl talks different. She talks like an animal." Clearly that was originally, "This girl talks different. She talks like a deaf person." Not an animal. We can't say "deaf person" when kids are watching.

I forgot who said the line, but I think Wings said it to Giamatti: "Your father was a flobbin' tuna fish." The original line had to be cut, it was so perverted. It was originally, "My father was a flobbin' tuna fish."

The best edit was when Wings said to the guy who played the comic book creator in that other movie, "Don't you want to feel that crazy little fox sniffing around your gravy pipe?" This one, I can't even tell if it was an edit. That was horrible grammar. Anyway, it sounds as vulgar as anything can sound. I'm guessing the original was something like, "Hey, I tried this thing where I put cornbread on my ass and have the deaf-sounding girl put gravy on it. My father would never do that. He was a flobbin' tuna fish. Dude, either way, I'm gonna get inside you and you're gonna love this cock." But you can't say that on a plane.

I haven't seen the original version of Sideways, but I think I did a pretty good job of guessing the dialogue.

Another good edit was Snakes on a Plane. Sam Jackson's famous, "I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane," was changed to "I've had it with these monkey-fightin' snakes on this Monday through Friday plane."

And, relating this to China... In China, the movie title was translated to Mid-Air Snake Emergency, which might be an even better name. Fun fact: Sam Jackson agreed to the movie when he heard the title. He knew it would be a shit fest. Then he was told that they would change to title to something like, Chaos in the Air. Sam responded, "Then I'm out. I didn't sign up for Chaos in the Air. I signed up for Snakes on a Plane."

He Must Have Been Terrified

My roommates and I are looking for a new apartment. Yesterday, we checked out a place that we found on Craigslist. The guy I talked to wasn't going to be there, but he said his roommate would show us around. The guy's name is Sandeep, but he had no accent whatsoever. We arrived at the house and had to wait about 15 minutes for his roommate. When he arrived, he spoke very little English. He led us in and we walked around the bedrooms, tested the water pressure in the bathroom, asked questions about the closets, etc... As we were leaving, the guy asked in a heavy Indian accent, "And what was the purpose of this visit?" I guess he didn't communicate with Sandeep, because the guy didn't know why we were there. He thought we were just some people who followed him inside, walked around his apartment for a while, turned on the water, and left.

Good Ham

I had some ham in the refrigerator. It had been there for a while, and I wasn't sure if it was still good. I smelled it. It smelled okay, I guess. But I don't know what ham is supposed to smell like. When you know it's fresh, you eat it. You don't smell it. I've never smelled fresh ham and said, "Oh, that's good ham."

China Part 3: The Prequel

This isn't an official story. I've been really busy over the past three days. I'll write one that's entertaining tonight. For now, something that will just make you go, "Okay, that's kind of cool, I guess. Not sure if it's blog-worthy, but whatever. I'll go to Failblog now, because their updates are actually funny."

After my first Shanghai show, a guy approached me who had seen me do a show at Rififi in NYC a couple years ago.

"Okay, that's pretty cool."

The day I got back from China, I was leaving my friend's place in Elizabeth, NJ, when I was stopped by someone who said, "Great show in Beijing on Saturday."

"Okay, that's pretty cool too, I guess. Maybe. Cool for you, but not cool for the reader. Where's the rest of the entry? Oh, it doesn't exist."

You Watch the World Series

Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that the Chicago Bulls are my religion. Three comic friends and I were watching the Bulls' season opener at a bar. We're the only people at the bar. With three minutes left, the bartender just turned the tv to the World Series. We all freaked out. He said, "World Series."
We said, "We're watching basketball."
"World Series."
"Basketball. No one wants to watch baseball."
"World Series."
That was his whole argument. Just those two words. So he changed it. No one is watching baseball. And we're all leaving now. If you are a bartender, don't be a dick. The end.

Next Shanghai Adventure

After my last show in Shanghai, a guy, who I think was German, approached me.

"What do you have next in China?"

"I'm going to Beijing early in the morning?"

"Beijing..."

"Yeah."

"Hold on."

The guy walked to the bar, pulled out a pen and ripped a page off of a waitress' note pad. He wrote one word, then walked back to me. As soon as he was within a couple feet of me, he whipped the paper through the air, like he was a magician pulling a quarter out of the air at a children's hospital. The paper said, "Chocklate(sic)."

"When you're in Beijing, you have to go to Chocolate."

"Chocolate?"

"It's an Eastern-European sex house. You'd love it."

What? What was I doing that put out an "I fuck whores" vibe? I was doing what I normally do, which I consider to be anti-whore at best, and whore-neutral at worst. But what also sprang to my mind is, whenever I hear Eastern-European and sex house in the same sentence (once ever), I immediately think of reading about the Eastern-European sex trade, where they sell kids into prostitution. So, not only am I thinking that he's looking at me and thinking, "This guy fucks whores," but also, "This guy fucks kids." I do neither.

I was later told that there are no kids at Chocolate. Regardless of that fact, I did not go.

Someone else tried to sell me on Shanghai, which is already an awesome place, by saying, "Anything that can happen, happens in Shanghai." That may be appealing for some, but it's noon and I've already created a spreadsheet for personal use, and I'm about to go to Best Buy to make a return. I don't need the full scope of possibility in order to have a good time.

Video from a Shanghai Set

This is video of a character I did in Shanghai.

Adventures in Shanghai Volume 1: Greetings from Tomorrow

I tried to blog and Twitter updates from China, however, China has blocked Blogger.com, Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and several news sites that I rely on. They block anything that encourages people to get together. American Idol has been banned because it encourages voting. Andrew Sullivan's blog has been blocked because he posts updates on the Green Revolution in Iran. Because I couldn't blog from China, I sent email updates to a few friends. I'll post them here, one per day for the next several days.

Dear Friends,

I would be writing this on my blog, but Blogger.com, Facebook, YouTube and all forms of Internet fun are blocked in China. Also, I was notified that local authorities are monitoring my email. So, China #1 super fun happy okay!

I'm wrapping up my first day in Shanghai. Even though I was awake for about 27 straight hours, I had trouble sleeping last night. The fact that it's tomorrow here is fucking me up. I flew west, so for several hours the time was going backwards. Then, all of a sudden, it was tomorrow. How does that work? I think the Olympics are still going on.

I woke up at 4:30 AM and tried to go back to sleep, until I gave up at 6AM. At that time, I went to the gym. The gym here is very nice, and the gym staff works very hard, I think. A manager walked in with a member of the cleaning staff, angrily pointed at an invisible fingerprint on a mirror, and made the girl scrub it. There is a fire hose in the gym. There is also a translation error on the fire hose. It is labeled "Fire Cock." (Check Facebook for that picture in the next couple days.)

I got back to my room and ordered room service. I figured that food in China is cheap enough that I could afford room service this morning. My meal was $15. If I wanted to tack orange juice onto the bill, that would have been an additional $9. Once again, how does that work?

After talking to my girlfriend for a while on the Google Voice, I took a short nap, after which I decided to explore the city. Although the country is cheap, there's a Ferrari dealership in my hotel (JW Marriott), so my district is a little pricey. I walked around for a few minutes and was hassled about once per 30 seconds by people trying to sell watches and DVDs. I don't know why everyone thinks Americans are thirsting for bootleg movies and the time. There's a huge clock tower where people are selling the watches. The tower is a constant reminder that I don't need a clock on my wrist as well.

Moments later, I stumbled across blocks and blocks of small food stands. They were great. I got two sticks of grilled beef (I hope), four dumplings and a custard thing for under $3. I felt like a fucking beast. I thought I was taking over China. Then I walked around a little more, until I got slightly lost. Then I heard, "Hey... hey... I speak English..." After a while, I ignored people because they were all trying to sell me shitty watches, but this voice sounded friendly, so I turned and said hi. It was a Mongolian art student named Jennifer. Jennifer is a very common name in Mongolia and Richard is a very common name in China. I swear. Jennifer was in Shanghai for an art exhibition for her school. She spoke perfect English, which destroyed my image of Mongolia. The country has 11 roads, but somehow Jennifer has learned perfect English. Anyway, she brought me to her art exhibition. It was pretty cool stuff, and reasonably priced after I negotiated, I think. I've never priced Mongolian and Northern Chinese art before. I bought a couple things to bring back as gifts. Jennifer is a con artist. I had been duped. I bought quality paintings, but I later found out that even after I negotiated, I still paid double the market price.

In my mind, all of my gift spending was finished for the trip. I just needed to buy something for my girlfriend and my mom. That's it. It was time to go back to the hotel and take a short nap before the show. I decided to cut through the park in front of my hotel to make the walk back more scenic. Then I heard, "Hey, where are you from?" I turned and it was three female Chinese students. I told them I'm from New York (They haven't heard of Jersey City Heights). One remarked that my English is very good. I thought that was funny, so I talked to them for a few minutes, asking what I should do and see while in Shanghai. They listed a bunch of stuff that I would never do even if I lived in Shanghai. Then they said they were going to a tea ceremony, and invited me come along.. Apparently there's a tea festival or something every three years, and I'm in luck. I told them that I didn't have time, but appreciated the invite. Then they moved in for the sell and said, "It's only five minutes away and the ceremony takes about 20 minutes. It's a Chinese tradition that you should experience." I decided I should do it for the experience. During the walk over, I learned that one of them is named whatever is Chinese for Pig, one was Zhu-Zhu, and the other was Linda. I wondered if Linda meant pig in Chinese. You probably have to see her to get that.

The tea ceremony was in a little room in an office building looking place (not specifically an office building). It was the four of us and teamaster, or whatever that person is called. We were to have tiny cups of six kinds of tea. There were ceremonial aspects, such as pouring the first cup over the head of a brass frog/fish, then touching the colored beads on its back for luck, and spinning the coin in its mouth to bring us money in the future. We had our sips of tea. Then we were asked if we would like to buy any. I bought a small can of a kind whose name I don't remember and whose purchase I now regret. All was good. The ceremony was fun, but it was time to go back to the hotel. But first, the bill. I was expecting my portion to be about $15 after buying the can of tea. I was off by quite a bit. How much money do you think you spend on tea per month or year? I figured that I probably spend about $20-30 per year on tea. That might even be on the high end. So I was a little surprised when I saw that my quarter of the bill was $160. Actually, it was originally $190, but I talked them down, because they were trying to get me to split what was owed for the youngest in the group, saying that's a tradition. I remarked, "I don't know her, so I'm not spending a fucking dime on her." After saying that about 10 different ways, the price was negotiated down to $160. That's $160 USD, not China-money. $160 for a few sips of tea. Instead of spinning the coin in the mouth of the fish/frog, how about not going to tea ceremonies. That will save you some money. Yep, another scam. Guess how much money I had left in my pocket after the art exhibition, which I thought would last for the remainder of the trip? Exactly the Yuan equivalent of $160 USD. I can't get over this. I spent $160 on fucking tea. Tea. The shit grows outside. Some of it might be categorized as weeds. One was chrysanthemum. I have six chrysanthemum plants on my front steps. They cost about $50 total. It was good, but for $160, it should be magical. As far as I can tell, the powers have yet to set in, and my meals for the remainder of the trip and when I return to the States will be relegated to Ramen noodles.

Fucking Bullshit,

Ryan

Update: That night, I discovered that these are the two most common scams in Shanghai. I told people, "I paid $160 for a cup of tea today," and they would respond, "At least you didn't do the art exhibit thing too." "Oh, I did that before the tea ceremony." In future China postings, you will see that I learned my lesson and was hardened. For the rest of the trip, I refused to buy anything unless it was less than 25% of original price.

The Next Week

Tomorrow morning, I leave for China. I'm hoping to update my blog at least once per day. I even bought a 12 mega-super-pixel camera today. Pictures in a blog? What is this, the future? Not yet, but tomorrow will be. So check back for all things comedy in China. It should be entertaining, considering all the Mandarin I was able to learn is "The man rides a horse."

I'll also try to update Twitter. My page is http://www.twitter.com/rccoomedy

More Formerly Topical Jokes

These are jokes that I wrote for Weekend Update last week.

As the New Jersey Governor’s race heats up, the Star-Ledger of Newark on Sunday endorsed the independent candidate Chris Daggett. The downside for Chris Daggett is that no one in Newark can read.

Police in North Carolina have found 929 gallons of moonshine under a shed in the mountains. The police then quickly retracted, "No, it was like 600 gallons. Right guys?"

Members of the five-person Norwegian committee that gave President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize strongly defended their decision on Monday saying that President Obama’s actions have contributed to “a world with less tension.” The runners-up to Obama were Kleenex and Jergens, also for lessening world tension.

A clump of Elvis Presley’s hair, cut off when he joined the army, is being auctioned off this weekend. No matter who wins, one thing is certain: They will die alone.

The insurance industry on Monday launched its first major attack in the health care debate by issuing a report warning that the plan will spark huge premium hikes. It's the first time the insurance industry has gone on record to admit they're dicks.

White House officials on Sunday called Fox News and its owner Rupert Murdoch “a wing of the Republican Party” adding, “Let’s not pretend they’re a news network.” Fox News responded by airing a Fair and Balanced report called, "Obama: Communist or Just Evil?"

According to new research adults who learn new tricks such as juggling can improve the "writing" of their brains. The research also reveals that they can annoy friends by saying, "Hey, watch what I can do."

According to a new study while many parents discourage their children from lying, the parents themselves often lie to influence the behavior and emotions of their kids. The study was conducted by the No Shit Foundation.

Walt Disney announced plans this week to drastically overhaul its mall stores to turn them into mini theme parks that will hopefully attract more children, boost sales, and ensure that parents avoid that area of the mall.

It was reported that Bernie Madoff last week got into fight with another senior citizen prisoner over the state of the stock market. In the end, things were resolved and Madoff now goes by the name of "Fish."

A former flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet is suing the talk show host saying that she was falsely fired after being accused of having sex with a pilot during a flight. She said the accusations are so false that they could be the plot of an memoir in Oprah's Book Club.

While on a recent expedition to look for the Lock Ness monster, a US research team instead discovered thousands of plastic golf balls. Simultaneously, the world discovered that a US research team is full of morons.

Many are saying that Maine Senator Olympia Snowe, who crossed party lines to vote for the new health care reform bill, is the true female maverick of the Republican Party. Sarah Palin responded by Twitter, "Senate Snowe bad no maverick. I rogue she not... Where my hocky moms. LOL :-)"

Two Republican Senators have introduced a bill that would exclude illegal immigrants from the population count that is used to allocate congressional seats after the 2010 Census. Illegal immigrants are already excluded from this process, but some Republican Senators wanted to reassure their constituents that they are indeed racist.

A townhouse in New York City that is reportedly haunted by a man in a top hat and tails, is now up for sale for 4.2 million dollars. The ghost hasn't worried prospective buyers, because all he does is drink old-fashioneds and talk about the railroad.

A new report says that five giant, non-native snake species could pose high risk to wildlife, especially in Florida. Native snakes are furious that the non-native snakes are taking all their snake jobs.

It was reported this week that the military has completed its best recruiting year since 1973, meeting all its goals and bringing in a better-educated group of young people. The military extended a heartfelt thanks to the 10% unemployment rate.

Navy officials said this week that women could possibly be allowed to serve on submarines by 2011. Moments later, Navy officials were stunned to discover that women are allowed to vote and chew gum in public.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger this week signed a new law that will fine paparazzi for taking photos that invade a celebrity’s right to privacy. Guys annoyed by their girlfriends' Perez Hilton habit rejoiced.

Pepsi is being criticized for an iPhone application that promises to help men hook up with women by allowing them to select what type of woman they are interested in and then offers possible pick-up lines.

Sample pick-up lines include, "Hey do you like Pepsi? Well, I'd like to Pep-see you with your clothes off."

A woman in Michigan was arrested after she called police to report the theft of marijuana plants from her house. She then called police about society's theft of her educational opportunities.

A Storm is a Brewing

The official Republican National Committee blog, which was called "What Up?" is now called, "Change the Game."(What demographic are they pandering to?) When the extreme right-wing finds out that Change the Game is a Jay-Z reference, they will all go out and buy the Dynasty album. Sorry, that's a typo. I meant they will drink Wild Turkey while yelling racial slurs until they pass out and wake up hours later only to see Change the Game still up on their computer, thus forcing them to get out the Wild Turkey all over again. It's gonna be a vicious circle.

Some jokes I wrote that were not on SNL

A new study shows that women ages 59 to 97 sleep a quarter of an hour longer on average than men of the same age. A related study shows that men ages 59 to 97 enjoy the 15 minutes of silence.

A growing trend in fashion this year is veils. This coincides with a continuing trend of ugly people not wanting to be ugly.

Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve board said Sunday that the nation’s unemployment rate of 9.8 is “pretty awful” and he expects the figure to continue climbing. As the leading voice for financial deregulations, he then added, "Oh yeah, my bad."

Westworld, an alternative newspaper in Denver, Colorado, is searching for a medical marijuana critic. Thousands of people were going to apply, until they found a bag of Combos in the kitchen and had a change of plans.

Pope Benedict criticized the West on Sunday saying that western materialism and immorality have contaminated Africa like “toxic waste.” The pope often confuses western materialism and immorality with poverty and AIDS.

A man in Detroit was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a woman’s car after skipping out on the check on their first date. Allen Iverson has denied all charges.

Twin brother pediatricians in Ohio are going on trial this week on charges that they used their practice to recruit boys for sex. The two brothers are seeking amnesty in France, which may be hard to come by as they didn't direct Chinatown.

A chemistry professor at the University of Pavia said he was able to reproduce the Shroud of Turin using material available in the 14th century, which he says proves that the cloth was not used to cover the body of Jesus Christ. Christians responded that "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

North Korea’s leader Kim Jon Il said this week that his government was ready to return to six nation talks ending its nuclear weapons program. In related news, North Korea has hid its nuclear weapons.

Conservative lawmakers in Egypt have called for a ban on imports of a Chinese-made kit meant to help women fake their virginity on their wedding night. The kit makes women act nervous, lay motionless and cry.

Scientists said this week that they have developed a cocaine vaccine that can prevent addicts from getting high by blocking the drug’s effect on the brain, though it does not blunt cravings for the drug. The cravings can now only be satiated with heroin.

On her first day on the Supreme Court, Justice Sonia Sotomayor asked as many questions and made as many comments as more senior members of the court. Stereotype...

Mark Burnett, the producer of Survivor, is creating a reality show version of “Fantasy Island.” The show is said to be similar to Survivor, except that no one will watch.

Many high schools across the country are filing legal suits against students who create “My School Sucks” pages on Facebook. Targets of these lawsuits have responded, "See what I mean?"

Since David Letterman’s announcement of the blackmail plot against him, ratings for the Late Show have shot up with Monday night’s show, the first since the revelation, getting the third highest ratings in the show’s history. Upon hearing this, Ed Schultz scrambled to find a co-worker who would sleep with him.

On Wednesday a statue honoring Helen Keller was unveiled in the US Capitol’s National Statuary Hall, which is the first statue in the Capitol of a person with a disability as well as the first of a child. The statue is said to closely resemble a young Keller, particularly her speech and sight.

A man has been walking from Texas with a 12 foot cross on his back is expected to reach his hometown in Washington state on Wednesday where he hopes to reconcile with the mother of his children. The man never thought of just calling.

A new report states that the chances of getting food poisoning from a mom-an-pop style restaurant in the Salt Lake City area is greater than getting it from a national chain. This study was conducted at the popular Salt Lake City diner, Fertile Mayonnaise.

An Xbox 360 videogame console purportedly signed by Sarah Palin is being auctioned on eBay for 1.1 million dollars. The console is reported to be able to distort reality to an even greater degree.

Jokeroo

Sorry for the absence of blogs lately. I've been really busy. Here's how it works: If I'm writing a lot of blogs, then I'm not working on other stuff that I should be working on. So the past couple months have been very productive aside from the blog.
Last week, I started contributing to SNL's Weekend Update. I just got approval to post my submissions after the episode airs. So here are some topical jokes that happened too long ago to still be funny.

1. This week people were able to follow Twitter messages from gorillas in Uganda and learn about their everyday lives.
Most of the Tweets pertained to bananas and what their neighbor's ass smelled like.

2. It was announced Tuesday that Sarah Palin has just finished writing her memoirs and that they will be released on November 17th.
The publisher announced that there will be no audio book because "Some of the illustrations are too hard to describe."

3. Just four months after her book deal was announced, Sarah Palin finished writing her memoirs.
Sources close to the former governor are surprised she would write a book before reading one.

4. A new survey shows that 37 percent of Americans lie about their weight to their spouse or partner.
Another survey revealed that 100 percent of Americans can see the weight their spouse or partner is gaining.

5. A small group of nine homeless sex offenders have set up camp in a wooded area behind a suburban Atlanta office park, which is now affectionately referred to as Rape City.

6. Researchers are saying that as humans move closer to where Koala bears live in Australia, the stress is bringing on the disease chlamydia, which has infected up to 90 percent of the animals.
One researcher then nervously clarified, "Oh yeah, that's how koala's get chlamydia. You didn't know that? Look, me and the koalas were just playing canasta."

7. This week Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte will travel to the International Space Station aboard a Russian rocket.
This should please everyone who thinks the International Space Station isn't quite gay enough.

8. Tufts University recently responded to a large number of complaints about roommate sexual activities by instituting a new policy for students with roommate in on-campus housing that prohibits sex while the other roommate is in the room.
One computer science major responded, "Dude, I would be having sex all the time, but my roommate is always around. Rules are rules."

9. Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar and Martin Scorcese are among the 138 people in the film industry who have signed a petition demanding “the immediate release” of director Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Switzerland this weekend on charges that he raped a 13 year-old girl.
The petition is informally called "The list of people who don't realize statutory rape is illegal."

10. According to a new book by George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer, the former president objected to giving Harry Potter author JK Rowling a presidential medal because the Harry Potter books encouraged witchcraft.
President Bush also opposed awarding the medal to George Lucas, because he felt Star Wars encouraged Wookies to fly space ships.

11. To help celebrate China’s 60th anniversary, the state-controlled mobile service company “surprised” its customers by changing their cellphone ringback tones to a patriotic song.
Nothing livens up a sweatshop like constantly hearing snippets of a song about Chairman Mao.

12. A 507 carat diamond, which is about the size of chicken egg, has been found in a mine in South Africa and may be among the world’s 20 highest-quality gems.
The miner who found it was compensated with an actual chicken egg and the privilege of keeping his hands.

13. It was reported this week that Heather Mills, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, will appear on the British TV show “Dancing on Ice.”
Heather Mills: 0 - Paul McCartney: 1.

14. A newest addition to the American Girl doll line is Gwen, who is homeless and costs 95 dollars.
The real homeless Gwen will receive no royalties.

15. Veterinarians are saying that some dogs and cats are living longer reaching 15 years or more.
That number is expected to decrease now that Michael Vick is out of prison.

Big Trouble in Little China

I'm at the Chinese Consulate, getting a visa for my shows there. It is fucking hectic here. It looks like the ante-room at a cockfighting arena. An occasional shit smell wafts through the air every 45 seconds or so. A guy behind me was just yelling, "It doesn't give you the fucking right," over and over to no one in particular. I took off my headphones and am ready to go Jack Burton if necessary. All my life, I've been waiting for an opportunity to say, "I'm Jack Burton. Who the hell are you?" So this could end up being a dream come true.

Sign at Cemetery in Watertown, NY

"Headstone cleaning demo Sept 12. Bring a chair!"
When this town gets a movie theatre, there is going to be madness.

Major Lazer

Worst song and video ever. No exaggeration.

Pon De Floor - Major Lazer

The music sounds like the video should be of chickens racing. But it's not.

It's 9/11, Get Ya Drank On, Playa

Somehow, I got on the email list for a club promoter. Today's email read:

"It's hard to believe it's been eight years since the attacks of September 11th, 2001. It was a tragic day for our country. It was a day that reminded us that we are owed nothing, that we should live every day to its fullest. So come on out to Indulj tonight and get your sip on! Ladies get in free before 10pm!"